"you'll come back to yourself"

“i am shining.

there are a million beads of light.

where did all this light come from?

who kept turning it off?

and how did i go so long without feeling happy?

you’ll come back to yourself”

March brought adventure, closure and a glance at what life is like now that my light is finally on. It had been a while since my light was lit. The past couple of months it was on briefly but flickering as I was trying to smooth the connections on parts of my life. But look at me now, now I see clear as day where I’m at. Not where I’m going because I've learned that we don’t need to know where we are going but live for right now and enjoy life as we live it. I took opportunities in March that helped me grow as a person but most importantly gave me the chance to be spontaneous and learn to love my life each day instead of overthinking what the ‘consequences would be, if any’.

The poem above was read in the comfort of a beautiful room somewhere on my road trip through south Africa. In this room I had a sea view, big queen bed, a deep bubble bath to sink myself in to and flower petals surrounding me across the room. Was this a honey moon to myself… regardless of this singleton settling in this what appeared to be love nest I realised that I was not alone. I had this beauty around me and I had my poetry book. This book at first was just a little connection for me as I struggled to get over my sham of a love life. But actually reading this very end page meant much more on that night and allowed me to put a pin point on my happiness and the day I FINALLY felt that I had indeed ‘come back to myself’.

Right now I recognise how much progress I have made to not improve myself but just see myself for who I am. I believe myself to be a positive, loving and free spirited soul that I want to explore further. After finally turning my own light back on after I allowed someone to turn it out I recognise that I do have the qualities to lead a happy life on my own. Others that join me are a bonus! So how does it feel to be free from being almost tied down to someone who wasted my time? I feel alive. I feel that there is so much for me to achieve and all I need to do is take my time but also take opportunities when they arise instead of being afraid. I travelled to South Africa with a very nervous and unsure mind about who I was trying to be. This almost stopped me from taking the opportunity at all. But I pushed through, I let myself have a chance and that chance lead me to my happiness once more. Stop standing in your own way.

In a previous post I talked about distance making the heart grow fonder. You know what I recognised a new belief in this. My heart grew fonder for myself. I let go of what I thought I needed and opened my eyes to what I had and that was me. The way we shine when we meet this fondness of oneself is a lifetime of light that will not just shine the way for us but those around us and I think that’s the biggest win of all no?

So what’s next?..

It's time to get myself back out there. I’ve only stepped out of the first cave, its time to explore further and allow the world to see the version of me I’m carrying now. How do you do it? Where do you begin? Because honestly I turn 25 in a month and I find myself having the mind of an 18 year old, having the passion to explore the world and not having a care for consequence but battling with the mind of an elder thinking I’ve not been outside and put myself out there for a very long time and the game seems to have changed… how do you strike flirtatious conversation because honestly my sarcasm and quick eye for cringe bags strikes very quickly in these situations. Neither of us have a chance. I feel like Ann Hathaway in princess diaries having the princess trained in to her after she herself had been quite content with being invisible. Lots to work on but luckily I have plenty of side kicks in life to walk me through it. Sorry in advance to those people.

You can’t really ever predict how you’re going to feel and how long for about a situation. All you can do is ride it out until the light finally turns back on so to speak. Sometimes you think you’ve reached that moment only to realise that gut feeling of uncertainty means there is still unfinished business. When you can finally look your opponent in the eye and feel emptiness followed by the happiness from your own soul that is when you realise it is over and you have reached the end. I look forward to you all finding that peace in many situations in your life. I can’t really pin point what helped me finally realise. I think it was the first time being alone in a place I had never been experiencing the silence of any dramas and a little step away from reality back home that made me focus. It was just me and my book and to read those words and feel as though they were meant for me in that moment that I was able to really process them and breath for the first time in about 2 years. So thank you to Michaela Angemeer. I highly recommend her little book about the process of heart break. For me I believe it to be an eye opener for those who are truly ready to open up and say they are heart broken. Recognise, read, process and come back to yourself.

I do apologise for spoiling the end of the book but I hope you can understand that it isn’t spoilt until you read from beginning to end and go through that story for yourself. So good luck with that and I wish you well.

Time to focus on this month. Not sure of my goals this month just now but they are soon to follow I’m sure.

Until next time x