When do we get to a point where we just understand that what we need is peace.

We can be on the go for most of our lives and for some of us that suits. But there comes a time where even if we feel we don’t want it we have to accept that we have to slow down for a while and try to accept peace in to our lives. You can still be efficient, productive and on the go but you can welcome peace in and learn to balance yourself at the same time. I was too focused on “what could have been” “did I make the right decision for all these different factors that float around my head everyday” but eventually I stopped questioning and started listening. Listening to that peace in my head, all the good things that have come from taking a few steps to be different and finally breathing. 

Breathing. A basic function our bodies are designed to do can be taken for granted. I don’t think I really focused on breathing properly for a good few years until I sat on that beach with the sunset and realised I’d found my peace. Not in the sunset but within myself, I’d been getting myself down a lot more than I thought before I went to Thailand. Over thinking which was causing me to disregard any good work I had done on myself. I was tired mentally which was effecting me physically, I didn’t know who really I wanted to turn to either because I was over thinking my support system. I’ve removed a good chunk of people that weren’t really in my life for any good for me but themselves. I was over past relationships that made me feel worthless, yet I was still witnessing a lack of trust and consistency with some friendships and family members and this was knocking me off balance. Once again I told myself would it really matter if I just hid away for a little while. Would many really notice? 

To which I then looked at myself in the mirror one night and decided was a lot of sh*t thinking and I politely needed to get a grip.

It’s like my brain longs for stress as that’s all I’ve known for a good chunk of my life. Stress and self doubt. But look what I’ve done in this past year alone. Why has time passed so quick? Why have I not got much to tell people when we meet up? Why do I sit there smiling and slowly de-stressing when my friends from my old job talk about how it’s still full of gossip, chaos and negativity? Oh yes because life has slowed down and I’m..happy? Is this what happiness feels like and have I really been feeling this for all these months and not realised. The thing is you don’t realise because naturally you start to live in it. That calm environment just allows you to get on with life and take each moment without a thought or a big reflection. You don’t need to reflect on life when you are just living for yourself in happiness. That’s why I’ve been doing and on that beach I finally sat and noticed. What a feeling it was too. 

I’ve taken a lot of comfort from that adventure as I learnt a lot about myself and my confidence. I learned a lot about true friendship. I took the time I had and made the most of it. That’s what we are here to do. Make the most of life. You can’t be sat on holiday all the time loving life but you can certainly make the most of your time in between, planning for the memories and taking the positive parts of each day to make sure you are still living for yourself. 

A good lesson I learned from Thailand is the confidence from the people there. There are so caring, calm and willing to show happiness in every situation. I think that takes great skill and determination to keep that going. Even if they were having a bad day or had worked for over 12 hours, not once did they not have a smile on their face when you approached. The art of kindness is something we lack over here. For many reasons, a lack of seeing the good in the day and therefore feeling that negativity linger with you. A shortness of patience for people who just need time. We are too irrational and want everything done straight away. There is no leisure and social media and technology has pushed that mentality on us. We need to learn we can’t have everything straight away and life is hard work. We certainly lack strength in calm and collected behaviour which again could stem from lack of patience but also I just think jumping to conclusions and catastrophizing every element of life is a serious condition that we all have implemented in our brains and that makes it harder for us to have a calm and safe society. 

This year I made a promise to myself that I would be better. I wouldn’t be so quick to say no to things or delay things because I was thinking too much about the consequences and so far I feel like I’m off to a good start. I do wish time would slow down as I’m sure a lot of others do. Are we really in May already?! Also we are going to ignore the fact that this is only coming out two months late. March I wasn’t really in the writing spirit as all I could think of was getting to Thailand. April I was on a high for the month and really didn’t stop. Not a bad thing but it’s now got to the 1st of May and I’ve let my duty down of posting once a month. Again doing it for myself so I can live with the guilt. 

Of course we’ve gone off on a tangent there. I’m not sorry, I’ve learned that this is the way my brain works now and I’m fine with that. Why do you think I repeat myself so much in these posts. No I don’t read back and see what I’ve written in the past because it’s in the past and I’m only thinking about what is happening with me and the world right now… done it again look.

Let’s get back to content. Overall I’m just so grateful to myself for taking a chance and making sure it paid off. I’ve always been honest and said that the job I’m in now isn’t the best and it’s not really a big interest of mine. But I’m also not going to play the victim when I’ve chosen to be here. I’ve made the most of what I have and tried to learn as much as I can so I can be good at it whilst I’m here. There’s much more to learn and it’s hard but at least I can go home at the end of the day and not worry about unnecessary work drama or the next day. I state what I need from the job, they state what they need from me and I get it done. They don’t take the p*ss and have me mentally work 24 hours a day and so I see that as a big success right! 

Social life. I make it clear to my friends what is okay and what is not and I try give everything I can to the ones who appreciate it. Life has been so much quieter from drama and filled with much more love and for that I thank my beautiful friends for sticking with me even when I couldn’t get myself away from bad people. You’ve always been there and you are with me now for the good times. The biggest compliment I have received is “it’s very nice to see you as your happier self”. I’m sorry but can you get any better than that. That filled my heart with such joy! It’s so amazing to feel yourself become happier but I think the recognition from someone else is always 10x more gratifying. So I’m glad my work is showing! 

Negatives. Because there will always be some no matter what. A couple of people that had clearly chosen to leave my life or not really given me the time of day appeared to resurface. Either to try and suddenly appear interested in seeing me or asking me how life was going or to simply once again ask for something they needed. Let’s just draw the picture. These people were petty, ignorant and really out for self gain in my life. It wasn’t okay and I put up with it for too long. But for these people to be petty and still expect to turn up in the future and expect respect? For once in my life I was petty back.. I’m not a petty person and I like to respond as maturely as possible to rude behaviour as I’m a strong believer of karma. But for once I just said fuck it and I was pretty back. I don’t know what they were expecting but I’m just not having it this year. You’ve lost me and I’ve lost respect for you. Do I have regret? Simply no. 

Another negative is that as much as I’ve gone through this mental journey and I’m on a good path there are others around me that are not at this stage. People I really care about suffering and that does break my heart always. Yes I can be there but life doesn’t seem to be throwing everyone a good setting in life at the moment and it frustrates me when I can’t even help as it’s out of my control. People will get sick of me manifesting good life outcomes but it’s all I've got when I can’t fix something myself. So here I am hoping we can spread this positivity around to the ones who need it most. I want smiles, laughs and love this year and for our futures so let’s see if we can turn a negative first part of the year in to a better one for you. 

This post doesn’t have much of a structure and I know its hard to follow. But to summarise I’m in a good place. Regardless of bad things happening around me which I am trying to navigate though and face I am coping well and I'm proud of myself for that. There are many things booked in for the future to give me more memories this year and I'm working towards those days with more confidence and a much better outlook on what I want to achieve this year. There are always going to be down times, we’ve been through this topic before but I just think for once try and find your happy place and really think about the work you have done for yourself and think about what you have achieved no matter how small. I’d love to hear them as well. It could be the last year, month or day but please give yourself a little happiness in knowing you have achieved something towards living your life for you!

Im going to leave it there and I'm sorry again its a bit all over the shop but you knew you were signing up for an insight in to my brain so are you really surprised? 

Big Love always x