2025

Each year I reflect on the last and attempt to plan the new year ahead. That’s what we all try to do right? I along with many welcome New Year’s Eve as I personally feel it to be an achievement for making it through the year and often look forward to bringing in the new year with the people I love ready to make the next chapter better. This year I took a different approach, not by choice but just with how my brain was processing life this time. I didn’t feel that sense of relief like I usually do, I didn’t particularly feel relaxed and joyous on the Eve, and I didn’t have a plan in January either. But I see this as a positive. 

Last year as some know was a very tough second half of the year for me. It took me to a place I had never been to before. An even darker place that I didn’t really expect or predict happening. But I don’t want to get too much into that again. As much as it is still the reality, I’m trying to leave that chapter a few steps behind and look onwards to what we need to do now rather than reliving it. What the experience did teach me is that I am strong, but I am also vulnerable and that is more than okay. I feel in my mental health journey over the years I’ve latched on to that expectation of we must see our strength even through the tough times and we must share our feelings and keep the world talking. I still agree with this however, my mind set is focused a little different now. I must recognise that sometimes I can give in to help and that is healthy. Sometimes I can’t be the rock everyone leans on because I get overwhelmed and that is normal and sometimes recognising the weaker times and reflecting upon them is a healthier time than pushing to see the positive. We must release that negative energy, and I think sitting in what I see to be a pit of darkness is actually ok. It allows time to be sad but gives you the time to be a bit vulnerable and shows every emotion contributes to your journey. I had time to process in each stage that I had “powered through” and I recognised that it was time to set boundaries so that I didn’t get back into that state again. Or attempt we all know it could change any day. 

So as the clock turned midnight and the fireworks burst in the sky, I stayed quiet and slowly deflated. This year looked a lot different to the last and it broke my heart a little that things wont be the same. But do we need anything to be the same? No is the answer, as it is our attitude that changes every situation in life. If you tell yourself you are okay many times then you start to believe it. If you don’t believe it then eventually you hope that your brain starts to recognise that “okay well I want that sentence to be true so I need to make sure I keep a good attitude going and make it happen”. Coming in to the year with no expectations, no holidays booked and nothing really set in stone is scary for me but I feel quite calm. The lack of pressure has allowed me to keep a level head. Is that because last year broke me so much that I can’t fit anymore pain in there just yet? Who knows but I’m taking it for as long as I can! 

I bought my new planner like I usually do but took a few days to start filling it out. Before I did I had a week before I had to go back to work. 2 weeks off for Christmas what a dream… it was a Friday and the snow was due the next day so I knew I needed to go out and get some errands done. One was to go in to the city to check on my friends apartment. Instead of going there and going straight back home because I was alone and get anxious doing anything alone usually, I took the opportunity to go for breakfast. Can I also paint the picture of I had forgotten my earphones, didn’t bring anything to keep me busy so I called a friend to catch up with and let her know my plan. I expected to walk up to the café and walk away again having seeing so many people together eating, but I stayed on the phone a little while and settled in. I ordered my food ended the call when we had finished and I sat. I had to sit outside in what’s known as the arcade (parade of shops and cafes) and I people watched. The way I was treated by the staff because I was on my own was so different to what I had experienced before. They kept checking in a little more than if I had of been with someone, they talked to me a little while and asked how my day was and I felt very elated. Almost a power house moment for me as I sat there drinking my coffee and watching the world go by. I never really did things alone as it made me nervous and I didn’t see the point of not sharing life with a friend or family etc. But in that moment, I started seeing other people alone. One was singing away to himself as he walked, many had their heads in their phones as I would usually and almost everyone had their earphones in. We miss so much as we disconnect ourselves in a podcast and music. I think this is what has made the world a selfish and ignorant place and that made me a little sad in that moment. As I disconnect myself daily, miss what’s going on around me and only focus on what is directly in front of me. I laughed at the guy singing away because it brought me joy that he was so happy and confident to do that, I watched the situation play out as one woman had her head in her phone and missed the point of no return when she walked in to a child after her mother had told her daughter to stop whilst she readjusted her jacket. I listened to how rude people were to the wait staff at the café after being told that there were no tables left at the moment and how shocked they were that what they wanted at peak time on a Friday wasn’t available to them instantly after not booking. We need to be selfish for our mental health, but we don’t need to be selfish and expect the world to revolve around ourselves and our instant needs. Things take time and we can’t always get what we want. What happened to the patience and the consideration for others. These days I feel we preach about helping others, being kind and spreading the word on social media but a lot of us don’t keep that going in reality when something isn’t going our way. The world is a sad and difficult place that we are navigating now and it all comes down to our attitude to life. 

I think since that day I have made a promise to myself. To let each day be what it is, take a breath and just live. You can’t stop living because something bad has happened. Time slips away and you don’t want regrets. That day that I sat alone at the café for breakfast I promised I would do something on my own at least once a month. I would be spontaneous and if it didn’t work out at least I tried and made the choice to go for it. I would get back to my friends and attempt to reconnect and give back the love they gave me last year and overall I want to be more present for myself. At one point I felt like I was surviving and just existing in a world that couldn’t see me and I couldn’t see it. This year I will exist, but I will live life whatever that looks like. I will feel how I need to feel but I will not waste the days away wondering why life doesn’t look like I thought it would. I will take whatever I can get and I will make the most of it. 

One more point to make is that I recognised true love, friendship and loyalty in 2024 but I also experienced lack of. I try not to talk too personally here but I think its important to recognise that not everyone in life deserves the patience and time that you have given them, especially people related by blood. If you give s family member a chance to support you and they are too self absorbed to accept the offer and help when you ask then set a boundary. You owe them nothing if they are not going to support you at your most vulnerable time! 

This year does look different and so far has been mixed again. But it is only January and I can only do what I can do each day when I wake up and that is to be me. I don’t want to miss out on time and I don’t want to let myself down by giving too much for too little back. I deserve love and kindness and good memories this year whether that comes from others or myself. I also want to continue giving this to others in my life. So the resolution is to be me and celebrate my life in anyway I can. 

I’m so appreciative of people in my life and I hope people know that. Still here to support anyone who needs it and still here to try and bring realism but a different view to our mental healths. Every post this year needs to have a good message.

Big Love x