That day my life fell apart

That day my life fell apart. That day I felt a sensation of my heart being ripped out, my body went heavy and my whole life was like a scene in a film where a bomb had just exploded. No one was around but me, the white noise was deafening and everything seemed grey. Yet the sun that day was blinding all at the same time. What was my life now? What was happening and how do I react.

My mental health journey continues with its battles always. I have ups and downs and will do for the rest of my life because that is just how life works isn’t it. I came to terms with that a while ago but, on my last post when I had returned from Thailand I was excited at the glimpse of happiness. I had myself figured out in that moment, I had a good plan in place to keep that zen and peaceful spirit going in my life. I was to be an extrovert for once and take myself out of my comfort zone. I wanted to really experience life now after keeping negative energy at the front for so long. No more we said…

But there comes a time right now where I think am I not deserving of that life. Was I put on this earth to absorb negative energy for other people to enjoy their lives instead. Am I a curse? Which people shake their heads at the thought or roll their eyes, but now I’m here. So low that I don’t even have the energy to cry or to have my heart palpitations or panic attacks I am at a new stage of numb and anger that I have never felt before. I guess this is my welcome to life after trauma. I’ve written about my mental health for so long on here to myself that I felt comfortable to let it out and not really think much about what I was writing. Everything that was in my head was written for me to release, I got to a point where I enjoyed that little bit of release so much that I tried to target my writing in metaphors. Talking about grief in one of my posts relating us all to nature and different plants for example was for me a different way to try and talk about these bad situations by giving them a lighter meaning. For me it worked and for others who read I got good feedback too. Which was lovely. Not that I was doing this for anyone else but myself but I did start to enjoy targeting posts for people to give them a bit of comfort. But the last few months when I came to write it was just blank. The words couldn’t even leave my head for me to read because it was double the trauma. I didn’t want to share my distraught self with anyone. I feel like a shell of myself right now and I didn’t think we would be at this stage again so soon but here we are now.

That day my life fell apart. When you go through a trauma yourself you have to deal with the pressure of finding a way to resolve or heal from it. But you also have the job of trying to share this with others in such a way you don’t feel a burden and make your situation worse. Which is never a good way to see it as the good people around you will always want to help support you through, but I always feel like a burden if I share. That is why I suffered for so many years right… but having a loved one go through an extreme trauma bigger than mental health has been one of the worst experiences of my life. Last year someone that has been apart of my life since I was 6/7 years old suffered a health scare. It hit us all quite hard and it was a scary time for a good few months with her recovery. This year was supposed to be a fresh start, but once back from Thailand she suffered the trauma again. It wasn’t supposed to happen again. Would she recover for a second time? The unknown from this trauma almost allowed me to be in denial of it happening. I was kept up to date at the right times but I didn’t physically see her suffering. You create images in your head of the unknown but they are fake and you can almost shut them out because in your mind you don’t know for sure what to think or feel. So I kept busy.

But then that day came. One of my best friends suffering a trauma. The same trauma as the other friend. But they are younger, my age and I only saw them two days ago. That phone call I received was a phone call I never want to experience ever again. I am grateful I got the call don’t get me wrong but my life literally flashed and my body took the hit. The unknown is a scary place and heightens all of your senses. We had promised each other to live healthy happy lives from now. We had plans to travel, experience life, live for happiness instead of the negative experiences we had both been healing from. All potentially gone in a few minutes.

To this day I can remember most of that phone call. I can remember arriving at the park on my lunch break at work. I couldn’t breath, I was weeping, my heart was panicking. A stranger stopped me and looked at me traumatised. I must have looked horrendous staggering around. I burst out what had happened to a complete stranger as shock just poured out of me. She then asked me if I wanted a hug. I don’t cry and I’m not a hugger. But I cried and I did in fact take that hug. She welled up with me. Her young daughter was confused but hugged my leg at the same time. All the while my dog Beau could sense something was wrong and wouldn’t drift far when we walked. I called my mum straight away who told me to sit down, but I couldn’t sit down, I had to keep walking. I must have lapped that park 10 times in the end. I felt physically sick, dizzy, deranged at one point. I didn’t know if life was real then. Had something actually happened to me instead. Was this me imagining what others would maybe be going through if it was me? I woke up when my other best friend didn’t answer my call. Calm down Jade! My friend was at work she had just told me that an hour before. How selfish of me to call and bring this feeling to her whilst she was at work too. Stop calling people and just stop. I then sat down. The white noise was deafening. My breath when it returned was so loud. I could hear my heart beat. My heaviness was unbearable. I had to go back to work but my legs wouldn’t work.

I pulled myself together though and suddenly business mode kicked in. I think it helped that I was walking in to my discomfort. The only person I had with me was my other boss (I work with my stepdad who was away with my mum) I wouldn’t say I feel the most comfortable around him. I can be civil in my job but for a 27 year old like myself to try and relate to a man old enough to be my grandad who is very old fashioned in opinions and not on our level was a quick drag back to earth that I needed to pull myself together. Not so much I didn’t want to show weakness but more I needed to depend on myself that week and so I might as well start now. He gave me a hug when I returned but I was quick to stop the tears and make quite clear that the day could continue and he could leave me in the office whilst he left for the day as normal.

That day went slow but quick all at once. Luckily there weren’t many customers as I sat and stared at the wall for hours. Some moments reminiscing about our memories together and others just analysing each tick of the clock and each stroke of paint on the wall. In the middle of these hours my friend who I had called earlier texted me panicking as I didn’t usually call randomly especially after she tells me she’s at work. To which I lied and made up something saying I would call later and it could wait.

The heart break of calling her when I got home was not easy either. You see we are the fabulous 3. We go in to the new year together or at least have done for the last few, we experienced school together. Them two in primary school! This would hit her as much as it has hit me. To make things worse she also has her god mum going through this trauma. You know the first friend I mentioned going through this scare first. Upon other sad experiences this year she has dealt with I had to tell my best friend that we are going through all of this again with our 3rd musketeer. We stayed on the phone pretty much all night. We laughed… when tears run out and shock takes over we laugh. How awful but after all of these years of having to grow up fast due to our past traumas, we deal with things with humour. It may seem strange to some but it gets us through. She’s always been my rock but this year more than most could I ever be so grateful to have her by my side for all of these years. That is a true love that I hold very tightly close to me.

I’ve experienced every stage of grief I can think of these past few months. My body has rejected me with all of the stress at times. I have lost faith in some people and have let them go. But I have let myself go. I’ve committed my whole life these past few months to others who have needed it. I don’t regret it for a second. However half of me needs to be committed to myself now. I’ve taken myself too far to burn out and I started to reject everything and everyone. Very unhealthy and hasn’t helped the journey at all. The shell of myself is incasing a woman that has lost what life means to her. She has nothing in particular that makes her happy anymore. She doesn’t know how to relax, sits in a room of people feeling guarded again. She looks at herself in the mirror and hates what she sees again and doesn’t know how to stop feeling lonely despite having these wonderful people around her. The first time in 8 months she has started day dreaming about how life could have been. Travelling next year again, going out experiencing life on a weekend. Feeling that bright aura I felt from Thailand zen. After 8 months I felt it was time to talk to myself again. To write and get back to having some sort of start to what needs to be a healing journey again. My life may have fallen apart that day but we have been stuck in a rut before haven’t we, yet we rise every time and that is what we will do AGAIN.

This can’t be all life is now. I’m 27 and feel like my life is slipping away. I’ve been stuck on this platform and haven’t seen a way out for so long. But I can’t have life just stop here. I want a life of love in my heart, memories to get me through my down days, bright auras around me to guide me when I don’t see the sun shinning the path for me. I want to smile and feel that smile rush through my cheekbones and last. I want to look at the world with hope and appreciation rather than sadness and guilt. Guilty is how I feel for allowing myself to get lost again. So for that I’m sorry to myself for causing more pain on top of things that were already happening this year.

But around the shell of myself I see stitches form. People have stood by me in different ways and slowly they have tried to stitch a cover around me that has really got me through these months. I have been the worst person to deal with. Sad, angry, hurt, rejected and delusional. Yet I’m here because of them. My mum and step dad have pretty much picked me up and parented me as if I were a young child. There were days I couldn’t control emotions or even move. Yet they were there. They are here and I can never give back as much as they have given me. It’s not been fair on anyone but more so as much as they won’t take it I am sorry that I have put so much on so many of my friends. But honestly I don’t think I would have been alive without you all here with me. Some friends have had their own traumas going on this year, some have been in their element and have had to take on my negativity. But none of them turned their back once. Some I hadn’t spoken to for a while and appeared when they noticed my absence. To them I can’t thank enough. There is so much sadness in my life but so much hope based on the love and support you guys have given me. Selfless support that I don’t believe I deserve at times yet I will be eternally grateful for.

Both of my friends are doing well in their journeys. To the first I’m so proud you have pulled yourself through this horrid journey twice! I love you so much and I’m lucky to still have you here. To the 3rd musketeer. I couldn’t be prouder of the progress you have made in your journey. The journey is extra long this time for healing but don’t give up. We won’t understand your side of the trauma because we haven’t physically been through it. Just like you won’t understand what its like to watch you suffering for all of this time. There are images in my head that will never go away. Often at least once a day I reminisce on how life used to be and my heart breaks again wondering if we will make it back to that feeling. Often a horrendous image of intensive care creeps back in and my heart breaks again. The sounds of the machines, the smell of chemicals and god knows what else, the heavy feeling we felt walking in to the ward. You could feel everyones sadness radiating the room as they gripped tight to their loved ones hands and memories. The blindness I had with my first friend being in hospital was now a relief as I don’t think I could have witnessed that twice. There are so many things I want to say, to get it out of my head. But there’s only so far I can go on my little blog. For now it isn’t the right space or the right time.

I might not post this. I might read this back and talk myself out of sharing again. But this is a big step of progress for me. To even sit in my room and type for as long as I have done it something I have done for me. For that I am proud of myself.

I still have love to give and I still want to help others around me no matter what I am going through. Because that is what I feel like I was put on this earth for. To help others, to enjoy life and smile. I’m in there somewhere and I will be back.

Big Love x

The picture of Beau was taken a couple of days before the bad day. We sat in the sun a lot around that time. Even on my birthday as I didn't want to celebrate so we just sat in pretty much silence. That was enough for me.