You deserve happiness!

You don’t know happiness until you’ve got it right? Unfortunately sometimes you don’t know happiness until something interrupts and threatens to take it away. Sometimes that thing can be you. Why are we so pressured by the thought of having to be happy all the time. What does happiness mean? I can tell you it’s different everyday for everyone. It doesn’t have to be every minute of the day, it can just be a moment or it can be long term without you even thinking about it. I was/am happy so why did I try to sabotage?

I believe I still have this hidden trigger that comes at the worst times. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness in certain ways because I’m constantly thinking about others or slipping in to a negative mind set again. This is so wrong but just naturally happens with me. Its been a good start to the new year if I think about it respectfully and its down to multiple things. I’ve done really well at keeping focused on things that matter for me. My fitness has improved hugely and I’m creating healthy goals to work towards with this. I’ve resigned my focus with certain people, I can’t have too much negativity around me so I limit that the best I can while supporting when I can. But one person has made a huge difference. This person has been a light that fades away when they need to focus on themselves but seems to always step up and shine a little brighter to make my life better.

I try to tell them constantly how much I love and appreciate them and I like to think they know. But I have a weak spot in our relationship. I self sabotage when I feel I rely on them too much or get comfortable and become suspiciously happy for a long period of time with them. This is so wrong of me to do. I have an idea of what I think I want our relationship to be but while focusing on that ‘idea’ and trying to talk about it in the wrong context I’ve realised what I actually have. I’m constantly around good friends who are happy in relationships, achieving lots in life, accepting and giving love in ways that I’m not experiencing. Jade STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS! I put so much pressure on myself thinking I’m so behind. I really am not fgs look at what you have right now.

To one of the people in my life that has allowed me to be happy with where I am right now.

How lucky am I to have you! You’ve seen nearly every side of me the good and the bad. You’ve listened to me in every circumstance, looked after me whether I wanted it or not. But more importantly accepted me in to your life, made me feel special, wanted, appreciated and loved. Even times when I maybe didn’t deserve it.You give me happiness every day, you respect me and accept me even if we feel differently in life. My love for you is endless and I am always grateful. I thought I needed more, had to be in a relationship to feel these things but your friendship is that love and happiness literally slapping me in the face every day. I don’t need anything else right now because I have you. I love us the way we are and I couldn’t be prouder to have you in my life and I’m sorry I tried to question that happiness because again I feel/felt I didn’t deserve it. I have so many good friends along side you and I am the luckiest gal ever right now in this moment. I Love you always!

Happiness comes in all forms. People make a huge difference. Look at what you have. You can have bad days, which I still do. I’m still anxious quite a lot recently but I look at what I have and what I actually need right now. Needing and wanting are very different which is important to remember. Right now I just want to be happy, I don’t need to be happy every minute of every day but I just need to remember that I can be if I choose to be. I am lucky to have people to remind me of that.

I’m battling some demons right now alongside being a lot more positive than I have been previously. Its a strange feeling actually looking at things logically for once and having a new what almost feels like a lease of life. I’m trying to take every moment of that but also must remember my limits. It is okay to sit and calm down. It is okay to be sad still. It is okay to struggle even after doing so well for the long streak I have. But it is also okay to accept that I deserve happiness! I thought I’d not achieved much in my week off but actually I needed to blow off some steam to see that I’m doing good. So this is me backing myself on my progress and I’ll continue in the weeks to come.

Here’s to you and I,

Speak soon x