Where did the party go?

Hello my little cherry blossoms, (me starting the blog in a colourful way before I get in to the disappointment of last months lack of reflection and posts…) but for now I hope you are all well and your May was more successful than mine. I am here to finally take the time to reflect at the last minute as that sums up how my life has been. Constantly last minute…

For the month of May was supposed to be my favourite month as always. I had a document that was untitled and half edited with a post I was going to present at the very beginning of the month. Not finishing that post and setting up my month right is where I went wrong. I let the whole month consume me and the topics I wanted to talk about became silent as did I. I jumped back in to an old habit that is very dangerous and to be honest I feel like I wasted my favourite month. A month very close to my heart that I could have made a big difference in. I’m going to briefly mention the little bit of post I wrote and the topics just so I can say I did finally go back and reflect on them.

Firstly it was Mental Health Awareness month. I did post about this on instagram and I was excited because it had been a year since I had completed my Miles for Mind challenge! So naturally I wanted to dedicate the month to posts about success and helping others to speak about it, however this was not the case in the end and I actually focused more on the lack of challenges I had to complete this year and did the typical thing of comparing myself to well, myself last year. This year what was I achieving? What was I doing to help people… wow negative vibes all around to myself. It consumed me for the whole month and mixed with other things going on my mental health deteriorated instead of thrived.

It was my birthday on the 11th, I don’t like to celebrate as I always get disappointed but actually this year was different. A lot of my friends came to visit and I had a really positive day. So much so it was over too quick and then I was disappointed that it was… but that’s just me being greedy. This year I did notice a change as there were a few names missing which happens over time as you lose touch with people and I did feel like I was clinging on to my youth this past month which seemed to be more damaging sometimes. As much as I like to say I’m mot comparing myself to others we all do naturally. A lot of people my age are getting houses, settling down and having kids. That last one does not appeal to me what so ever. The house I would love but on my own. I want my space and a project for me but with the climate of my life and the countries it’s almost impossible for me to think about right now as stability with money is not there. As for settling down I think that needs its own paragraph.

I am still young I am aware. However when you’ve been out of the ‘pulling game’ hate that term but what else do you call it? For so long it is a struggle to appeal to a future partner or a future temporary parter for fun. Right now I just feel like I’ve been alone for that long and shut off everything that has come close to me that I don’t actually know how to appeal to others or let anyone in. I recently got over my heart break which I still strongly agree I have. But the thought of that person still exists no matter what if you don’t have anything to replace them with. I still want affection but if you don’t get it from someone else and that old flame creeps back in, you are bound to cave for a moment as you brain slips back to old habits. False promises and awkward encounters did occur with the old Thorne and it was a shame. I did say I was fine with him being in my life with plenty of distance and I still agree. I have no expectations from the friendship as he lets me down every time. I know what you’re thinking why not just completely let go as you get nothing from this friendship. All I can say is its easier said than done when you do still have to see them occasionally with no choice in the environment we are both in and when I have no one to replace that appeal then there’s no point me lying to myself and making things ugly when we still have to see each other. The day will come and I can still be a mature and civilised adult with him as that’s what life is about now.

So many mental blockers faced there and many more that I don’t want to focus on. It's a new month and that it was matters now.

June, welcome everyone.

I’ve just filled out my planner so already off to a good start. I have fresh goals that I believe to be a challenge but realistic and I’m now excited and ready to achieve. My main desire this month is to get back on track.

First goal: Get back to the gym at least twice a week. I started the gym for my mental health originally all those years ago and I know it does help me. I injured my leg in May which was a set back but we are healed and we can get back to full fitness. Twice a week is achievable and once I’m back in my routine I will love it again so lets make steps for that.

Second: Reflect once a week. I didn’t have an admin day last month so let's get back to reflecting upon the week. In a journal and/or blogging because this was neglected and that’s where the over thinking and lack of prep creeped in on my progress. I have plenty off tools to keep me going so lets just keep the routine there.

Third: Be more present. This is a vast goal to achieve but can be achieved in multiple ways so I like it. This can mean with myself and others and I’m willing to get back on track with myself and everyone to make it work. I just need to listen to what I need and make my plans with the time I have. I’ll be present in life again in no time.

I disappointed myself last month and reality hit me hard that I’ve made my bed when it comes to pushing some away and dealing with life on my own. I now need to get out of that bed and put wrongs to right again. Sorry to everyone who got caught up in my shit storm last month. It was not intentional and the damage I made was a rebound from the damage I was doing to myself. I am not the same person I was a year ago and I need to practice that some more!

I have plenty to look forward to this month but also plenty of space for plans to be made also, so let's crack on. No more feeling sorry for myself!

Im back for support and I hope to keep my routine going so just give me a chance.Also we got our first Orchid blossom back so that is the motivation for this month. A fresh start!

Much love and have a good month!

X