Unfinished business...

Do you think of me? If you do what do you think? Because right now for me every thought I have is exhausting and when I think of you … <- that’s what happens. Thoughts used to have meaning, they used to be filled with emotion, a deep feeling inside that allowed me to feel something for you. But nothing. It hurt when I used to think of you even in the worst way on my journey to letting you go but now I don’t know if having no emotion to you what so ever is even worse or a blessing.

When you see me what are you looking at? Because when I look at you I feel empty. I see someone who hurt me but an unfinished story. That’s what I feel like our story is, unfinished. Yet we are done all at the same time. When I briefly look you in the eye I feel a sensation of a stranger. Not a sense of wanting to get to know a stranger but a sense that I shouldn’t be looking at you, like I should bid you goodbye or cross the street and pretend that I haven’t caught your eye. I look at how you have changed on the outside and I feel bad for looking and analysing but it’s the only thing I can do to keep my mind occupied until we walk away. I walk away and then for the rest of the day I replay our encounter and I feel bad, like I shouldn’t see you in the way of a stranger and I should open up a little to having you in life again. But then I remember we are strangers now and the thought of you goes back to …

When I hear your name I take a breath. You used to take my breath away, make me laugh, surprise me with a genuine care to make me glow, you used to wind me up but I still loved that. But now I take a breath to calm myself. Hearing your name and having someone talk about you is unexpected because we don’t communicate anymore. I don’t have an emotion to react with. Should I laugh at the story of you, should I be angry and make a loud judgment of you, should I smile and remember old times and talk about them. Instead all that comes to mind is … I can react neutrally when I have to but do people feel like they can’t talk about you around me now or are we really strangers in each other’s lives now for me to hear so little about you? Do you hear me? Do you hear anything about me? Do you ask about me and if you do any of these what do you think of?

Do you remember me? I remember you. I remember the good times, I remember everything you supported me through and I will always remember and be grateful. Those moments are filled with no grief because they were everything I wanted and didn’t know I needed at the time. That is why I can still remember you and shouldn’t feel bad about keeping the memory of you in my life. But there is a balance as I remember the way you weighed me down. The way you slowly took memories and used them to keep me while you decided how you wanted me in your life. Slowly my glow started to fade until I left falling for the same mixed emotions and the shame of giving too much. Can someone give too much? Because I gave everything. I was proud to have you in my life and I was proud to share that with others. But you didn’t want that from me. I opened the heart that I had hidden away for years for it to slowly be consumed and suffocated as we fell apart. Am I in your heart? Was I ever? Because I don’t think mine can keep you anymore, I don’t think it has for sometime now.

I once wrote about distance making the heart grow fonder. But right now I believe distance to have healed me. My heart has grown love for myself but right now has opened up to emptiness. A life with a lack of emotion, for affection and that’s with the brief return of you in my life for the past couple of weeks. 3 months of a lack of communication, no sight of you and distraction from you was easier than I thought. In the beginning I was ready to keep you alongside me. We can put the past behind us, we can live in harmony without being what we were. But now the love is lost, the harmony is missing a chord and I have checked out. Afraid of being hurt by you again, afraid of feeling anything for anyone right now just in case the pieces of me I have managed to find light of again get dimmed by you. Maybe I’m extreme, maybe I shouldn’t do this to you, maybe you do still have me in your life and you feel different. But here I am at a dead end that you have created for me. I am not the woman who loved you anymore, I am a woman trying to move on so that I don’t become as lost and vulnerable as the day you stepped into my life and tried to save me.

I still remember what you’ve done for me, I remember everything. But I now want to remember writing this as it has taken me so long to talk to myself about it. I may not have all the answers I feel I need from you but I want to say my own goodbye. Maybe we will comeback to each other. Not as we were but as something new. Neutral even. I’m not shutting that possibility out. But we aren’t there yet and I need to close the door on what is now our past so I can open new ones that suit me. That I deserve.

As I write this as a calm and confident human being with nothing but good intentions for the both of us moving forward. I did love you and the only thing I regret is leaving our relationship unfinished, so with that in mind.

Goodbye to you for now and goodbye to what we were.

(Cover picture is taken from a poetry book I was given called 'You Matter')