Thriving and surviving or surviving to thrive?

What a journey we go through to survive but we battle on to the breaking point in order to thrive in the end. Never consistent but what kind of battle to survive would that be? It’s not how life is planned for some of us. But what a feeling it is to come through the other side and recognise the person you have been fighting for is finally standing right in front of your reflection.

This last year or two has been a battle of evils within me and someone has certainly challenged me one too many times in some periods. But I chose to battle. I chose to survive because where is the fun of giving up after dragging yourself through the mud and pushing yourself through the worst your brain can take you. I still long for that sense of achievement within me even after all the pain I cause myself. Once again too stubborn. Many don’t understand why I’m so harsh to myself and I can tell you love I don’t understand either. My expectations are too high and probably always will be and that’s just something I have to accept. The battles will come back again I’m sure.

But where are we at now? Well after saying good bye to him I needed to have a bit of a step back to my old roots and maybe destroy my life a little as the heartbreak was clearly not challenging enough. I had some good times and I wouldn’t change it as I needed it out of my system. So thank you to the ones that got me through that nightmare phase. I finally had a plan to get back to full fitness and myself but survival must take charge again. Bust your eye at work Jade and bed bound yourself because happiness isn’t ready yet. Not being able to go to the gym physically instead of mentally was so much worse as it wasn’t my choice and I found that quite selfish actually. But I must not be a little complainer and must accept rest. I feel awful for complaining about rest but it’s just not in my nature and again I can’t help that.

Through this time however I felt uglier than I have for a while but seeing how the people around me responded like nothing had happened I can look at myself how some people do now. I don’t have to put on a big show or front, I’ve finally reached a stage in my life where things can change about my appearance. Some I’ll like, some I will judge myself on but it is for me and me only. I am feeling the love for my independence. Not being tied down to thrive for someone else, I thrive for me. For once if I do gain attention I think of myself and my happiness first. I don’t NEED anyone else to tell me I can be happy. But there’s a catch. Maybe I’m too confident within myself and this becomes confused with having a wall up. It may be a wall but to me I am finally opening my book. I’m just happy for people to read but I don’t know if I WANT to make people characters right now. I’m not saying I won’t be ready soon but right now my story is mine and selfishly I love that for me.

It’s interesting to see people in different stages in life, stages you just battled through, stages they thrive in and become the best versions of themselves and stages that make us stand for a second and question where we are really at. The mind will always question us we just have to be strong enough to carry ourselves proudly forward so we don’t fall backwards.

Going back to reality is hard. Once you’ve shut off for a few days in a happy relaxed setting how are you supposed to go back to reality and carry on the positive attitude you had been carrying and manifesting. Since my return from holiday I’ve managed to take myself through every possible emotion going from holiday blues and already missing the good people I left to having a clearer understanding and fresh look on what I have in life. I had such a productive mental start to my first day back. Waking up at 6:30 convincing myself of all the things I can change and make the best of in different ways, unfortunately my brain gets a bit carried away and all these positive ideas took a spiral and tired me out quite rapidly. I still want to do these things and I currently have a list going with them all on but I need to structure which ones I start with first instead of trying to change everything in my life at once and being impatient about it.

Pretty much a week has passed and I’m in a mixed setting. Work is still testing me and the job search is just round the corner but I’m more focused on my next escape if you want to call it. I want to have things to look forward to, I have places to go people to make memories with and they are just a click away. I intend to keep that promise to myself. The true lesson I am enjoying right now is that as it comes to the darker and colder months I must remember that I can still be productive and happy when the weather doesn’t match with my light. I’m learning quickly that I have good energy within me to give but for my friends and for my progression with my writing. Overall I want to explore the world more. Before I went away I thought I was lonely. I thought I needed someone to fill a gap but how wrong was I. I feel like I’m in the prime time of my life and I’m ready to shine for myself and finish business that I wasn’t ready for a few months ago. “We may come back to each other one day” is finally a possibility I may be ready for with a few people now in a calmer way and I’m excited to focus my energy on the people around me and introduce them to the person I thrive to be.

Some people bring negative energy and to be honest I welcome that to keep me grounded in the sense of not everything in life is sunshine and daisies and people will come to test you. But whilst I’m strong enough to differentiate these energies in my life I’m more than happy to accept the challenge. There is another category to mention. I’ve spent a lot of time on people that are in stages of their lives that I have managed to escape from. They are insecure within themselves like I was once and they feel they need someone else to fill their void and maybe save them from this feeling. I’m sorry but at this stage in life I just can’t put myself through that again. No matter how good the intention of the relationship is to them I just don’t have the energy to give back at this time. I’m full of love but for now I just need to be a free spirit, not feel trapped, tied down to a life that I can’t blossom in. Again this is temporary and I will open up to the idea later down the line but for now selfishly its me, myself and I on this journey and I wouldn’t expect anyone to wait for a time limit on that.

I have started another post on this topic, about giving yourself to someone when perhaps you’re not ready to give your all to yourself but for now I’ll just say this. You can never love someone too much, some people are just not ready to accept it but there is always someone who is. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way but is also a lesson I feel I have given the last few months also and I’m proud to say I will give my love to someone I feel deserves it. But for now that person is myself.

So how long can I thrive for, we shall see. My focus is to get trips booked in and keep writing because this is where I can be myself and also help out others like I always wanted. The gym needs to become a consistent again to survive but me enjoying life is the reason I’m here. I always say focus on the present but looking at your future in small doses isn’t a crime either so make time for yourself and set yourself up for happiness!

Thank You for always being patient. The discussions are back open x