The Month of Love...

Welcome to the month where if you don’t have a partner then you’re made to feel alone, depressed and unwanted…. Is what I feel like every February. Maybe this is because I’m a hopeless romantic and haven’t been in a relationship for this one day of the year that we get to show someone else we love them by showering them with gifts. But I’m just not about it. I think it’s great if you genuinely love someone its nice to treat them and show everyone how happy you are. But at the same time I don’t understand how a day so over the top has managed to stay around and become the extravagant in your face ordeal it has. Why do we need a day where we are pressured in to ‘showing or proving’ your love for another person by buying them over priced pointless gifts or in normal times taking them somewhere nice to make the most of the day?

Now I’m not saying if a man wanted to buy me flowers I would be appalled or I'd reject them. I’d be shocked but I’d love it. However I’d want someone to treat me or show affection because they wanted to not because they are forced to or society says you should because its valentines day etc. I’ve just never understood it and don’t really have the time for it, I know I'm also not the only one who thinks this and that’s coming from people in actual relationships. Just in case you’re thinking a singleton can’t be qualified to talk about relationships etc…

I’ve not been lucky in love ever… the heart has suffered and I'm not sure it ever fully recovered. I thought it had last year but then some how I managed to have it broken again, so we are back at square one. This isn’t a sob story either. I’ve been on my own for so long that I genuinely love my own company and I’ve become used to being the single friend and that’s okay. I’ve spoken in depth about how you don’t need anyone else to make yourself feel loved, as self love is worth so much. I can replace that version of love with things I enjoy and love in life and I appreciate things a lot more because I don’t have someone else. I think I appreciate the finer things and I learn a lot more about myself when people do try to have an affect on my life which, is a good thing.

However…this year my mindset around love is a little different. I still believe in everything I said above but I do have two different sides battling for once. I replace the lack of a relationship with loving my friends, spending time with them, treating them and receiving affection back. But with corona taking this away from me for all of these months now I’ve lost that connection and that comfort that was keeping me happy and fulfilled. Even to go on a night out and have a little attention from a lad that you didn’t want anything to do with and would probably reject (I mean this the same for the lads that reject women too!) But they liked you a little and made the effort to let you know which you can respect. All of it has gone. As much as you may try to deny you love attention at the right times. You want to be wanted and you want affection. I tried to deny this for ages but then realised there was no point denying because this was/is what’s effecting me at the moment. I do feel lonely as we can’t even have a hug from our friends! Let alone a potential partner and that’s a sad truth to accept. I do have a cold heart when it comes to certain things with love but ultimately I am a big softy and I do want to be loved. Someone showed me how to be loved when I didn’t know how to love myself and I think this really opened my eyes to what had been missing. Usually it’s just a lust situation and they leave because it was never really going to go anywhere in the first place. But this time felt different and it made me happy…until he left and I couldn’t understand why. I still don’t understand why and I think this is what triggers me when I am feeling a little low or if I do see him and haven’t spoken for a while. It reminds me of the fulfilment I had even when the world was crap and we couldn’t have many around us and now what I am once again missing.

A few of my friends currently are in newer relationships or have managed to create a happy relationship with someone who can give them that support and love during this time and I am so happy for every single one of them. I think everyone deserves to have someone making them feel wanted and appreciated even when they can’t appreciate themselves right now and I’m so glad they are managing to hold and create this happiness between them! But then there are still a few of us who yes, still have each other but don’t have that ‘special someone’. I miss thinking about that person when I wake up and before I go to sleep. Thinking about if they’re okay, looking forward to speaking to them about their day and what each of us have missed. I hate that I don’t have someone that I can make happy. Thinking of little things I can do to show them I appreciate them (not just on valentines day!). I miss having someone to motivate me to look and feel good. I won’t lie having attention from a man motivated me to make myself look the best I could. I mean keeping up to my fitness and pushing my body to look better, doing something with my hair or my make up to make myself feel good for myself and for them. If you’re in the right mindset you do all of these things for yourself of course and you shouldn’t feel like you have to better yourself for anyone! But I will happily admit I enjoyed feeling good for someone else to notice. The more they appreciate me the more it motivates me and that’s just the way I feel. Not many would agree with that and some might think it stems from a lack of self esteem and you’d be right. But human beings love attention and love affection and that’s a fact.

Overall valentines day is just another day, as I see my birthday and Christmas etc being too. But having had the year we’ve all had losing loved ones or not having the opportunity to mask that loneliness with things to do everyday, it’s already a horrible time for ‘love month’ this year. But when I do come out the other side of these down days I'm finding I try make extra effort to make others feel better. I’m trying to motivate and treat my friends who are there for me as much as I can because at least I'm spreading some love in some way. Im holding on to the idea we will be able to hug each other at some point this year and i’ll make the absolute most of physical affection when we are allowed to again. I spoke to a friend today about how she felt she shouldn’t show her relationship around others as they found it annoying. The only problem here is that the person who found it annoying was lonely and couldn’t have the same happiness and it is understandable for them to feel this way. But for someone who is newly aquatinted with a potential lover this is their happiness to be involved in which ever way they can. If this involves tagging them in memes constantly and interacting over social media because they can’t see each other then that is fair enough. It hurts me to see others happiness in the form of a lovely picture because I don’t have it but i’d never expect people to hide their happiness with love because they deserve it and i’d like to think we all do when the time does come. Just be mindful of these things.

So I hate valentines day. Waking up to posts from my friends in their relationships and all the gifts they’ve received will be a nightmare but I’m at work that day. I have the added bonus of people not being allowed to eat in restaurants so I won’t have to look at soppy couples all over each other for a meal. I’ll just crack on with my day and probably treat myself to a glass of wine telling my friends I love them. (Like I do most days of the year. Expect the wine). Don’t feel like you’ve lost because you’re not with someone this year. It will happen to us all. Just be glad you can save your money and treat yourself instead and remember its just another day!

For all of those that are happy with others I wish you a loveable day if that’s what it’s about for you and I am glad there is still some happiness for you in life right now. Make the most of that, all day everyday. I’ll be waiting for the discounted flowers that I will with no shame buy myself because I love flowers and I deserve them haha! Especially when my orchid has no blossoms left on it…

Love to you always!

P.S. The only loveable thing right now is Mickey enjoying the snow as it continues to fall underneath our wooden heart.