The month of lov…ing yourself

I detest February, Jade once said. The month of love is just about money making, pressurised signs of affection and a stab to the heart for single people, said Jade in the past. So, what do we have to add to these highly negative and malicious accusations?

2024 the year where Jade found love for herself in the month of love.

This year as we all should know by now, I am doing my very best to keep a level and positive mind set to manifest good intentions for us all this year. Did we think I would be able to do it in February after my past comments? Neither did I but look at me now. I can honestly say the first part of February I really felt the love. This didn’t come from materialistic things, nor one person giving me affection. But it came from a reflection of a year gone by of finding my way on this journey to self-love in the best way I knew how. Not giving my attention or heart to any man (manchild if I want to be petty) or negative influences in general to consume and flood with their manipulative lies or intentions. This year was all about me, I didn’t need to give a thought to the someone who made me feel worthless but instead I needed to blossom in the self-love and share that with the good people in my life instead. 

We started the month right by getting in touch with some old friends and catching up. Beth had the lovely idea of pottery painting which I really enjoyed more than I thought I would and it was so lovely to spend some time with someone I don’t see often but have a relaxed and genuine time with them. No matter what time has passed we can still be us, together and I love that. We have come such a long way mentally as privately discussed and I am so proud of what we have both achieved. So may the memories long continue for us and know that this non pressured friendship is one I am grateful to have around. James and I have been really trying to motivate each other with a gym session once a week which again I am highly grateful for as the motivation has been lacking. It is lacking once again as I have been ill towards the end of this month, but we will be back to it again my friend! Rhea and I have been extremely organised for our trip to Thailand and I am so proud of us for this. Not that we are chaotic, but I know we are going to have a much better time knowing we are taking preparations seriously. That’s my kind of vibe and she’s giving me life. 

Holly, my love this has been a difficult month for you following on from a line of a difficult months. But I hope you can soon see what I can. How strong and brave you have been, how well you have coped and how well you have communicated this to me and others. You have really progressed mentally in the past year, and I am so proud of you for that. We had a conversation about love the other day in my kitchen and I just want to remind you that we are deserving of love not just from one another, we just have a life to live for ourselves first and that is more than okay with how much we have had to look after everyone else. This is our time so let’s live it!

I could go on forever with the mentions to people, but you don’t just want to sit here reading dedications like people at award ceremonies dragging on their time on the stage with all the thank yous. You know if you make a good difference in my life if we make good memories together so hold that and let that be your shout out.

Now as mostly positive as this is I do want to just say that its been a little difficult for a few days. When you are run down it brings out the worst in your metal health, doubting yourself, feeling weak mentally and physically but it also makes you question who notices. As awful as this is to do to myself, I have done it and for a good few days when no one messaged me I did feel a little dark on the status of. Does anyone care or has anyone even noticed I’m not okay. This did not last long, and I got over myself and started talking to people again when my brain redeemed itself. Not many messaged me, but did I tell people how I was feeling? No is the answer so really the fault lies within my brain here. However, upon my reflection I did have a think about people that I may be fighting a losing battle with. I still try with some people I really cared about a year ago and I can see that I have been putting effort into something that isn’t really worth my time. I’ve seen that a strong group of people I did have from my life these months past have happily accepted my help and/or check ins but have very happily just thrown them away too. I like to see the best in people but maybe I gave them too much of a chance. I went through the most difficult time of my life after leaving my old job, having big changes in life and losing the pooch and not many gave much care from that side of my friendship group. I don’t feel angry just more disappointed that I carried on trying to support them when they don’t really give a shit about me anymore. So I have stopped now and I don’t think it will make a difference to them but I won’t feel pressure to make sure I’m “doing the right thing” when it’s not welcomed. I can really feel the difference in myself too not again filling my life keeping up with theirs.

This I really deeped after Valentine’s day when I felt so much love for my friends and realised the ones that weren’t really friends after all. I also can’t stress enough that I have no hatred for these people. I still wish them the best and I still cherish the times that we had together at the times we did. It’s just a part of life that you give people everything and they let you go when you’re not with them as much as you were. Just at least have the decency to not be rude that’s the only thing that’s annoyed me really. For some people in my life that have been distant also, its more than fine to need time as I do quite often. But to go from a good friendship and just needing time to openly admitting to putting all your efforts into others and happily ignore communication from me? where are we at? give me a clue.

Back to lighter notes. The weather is changing as the days are getting lighter for longer and I am actively doing things to improve life for myself still. This month has been a quiet month so I’ve taken the time to catch up with myself when I haven’t been able to be as active. Redecorating my room is one of those things. I just think when you are in a situation like me, 26 with no chance of owning her own house any time soon then I’ve got to put effort in to making the little space I have my own. So, a refresh of my room will give me a new zen space for me to collect myself in. Due to the economy making it impossible for singletons to move out I have also decided alongside my saving I must still explore and make memories. So, alongside Thailand of course I have been putting effort into what trips could be next and planning the future of this so that there are things to look forward to and work towards.

Since improving my selfcare I have had a calmer mindset 80% ish of the time when tackling mental challenges. From this I’ve received 4 different compliments about my positive mindset this month that have really stuck with me and I just want to say how important these recognitions are. Not as a bragging right or anything like that but just to confirm with myself that what I am feeling is correct and that I am making a difference to others. All I want is to support a happier life for us all and I finally feel like I’m making steps to make this happen. A compliment goes a long way!

As I said a mixed month again, but it is important to have down times when your body isn’t 100%. Its almost like a cleanse at the end and you just need to ride with the time and step off to the next lesson afterwards. March has some sad memories to come but I feel I have filled a lot of the month with happier memories to come to try and counteract these. I know I keep going on comparing myself with ‘a year since’ but I’m really finding this helpful as a comparison. It seems to be working too so I’m going to stick with it for now. Thank you for everyone who has contributed to this month I appreciate the positive and the negatives as I prepare for a new month again. Good times are coming but if you don’t feel this to be the case. Make that change, grab some help from a good spirit in your life for some motivation and let’s do it together.

Big love as always x

P.S. Happy 2nd Birthday to my fur baby Beau who deserved the thumbnail this time