Simply Me

So its been a while… 4 months pretty much. Why don’t we talk anymore? This was your space to let out your thoughts so we wouldn’t go backwards but you left me and now I see a change. You’ve taken a couple of steps back in life which is okay but I know its not okay with you. So lets catch up?

When you don’t talk about what’s going on you submerge in to a state of mind that only you can see. But then apparently comes a point where it starts to block even you out, then what are you left with? Emptiness, numbness and it all becomes very blurred as to what is real and how you get back in. What we are talking about here is losing yourself. It takes a while to recognise that you have too, doesn’t it? But here we are finally after multiple start up blog posts that have been deleted and a few too many down days recognising that its time to stop hiding. 

Where did all the noise go? Its so quiet in my head that its abnormal to me. There’s no one dumping all of their emotional damage on me, there’s no one giving me grief or trying to bring me down, its just simply me. That’s scary you know? Because sometimes I don’t want it to be just me, I can get intense and over stimulated when there is no noise. So what happens now? Is this settling down? Well I can tell you right now I’m not a fan of that at all so bring back the noise!

Ive been so pressured to “settle down” in to this new quiet life. To go to work, come home, eat, watch something pointless on tv, sleep and repeat. Well that does not work for me and I am not having it. What did I used to say ‘be the change you want to see’ (not my original words but I lived by them from whom ever I did read from) so why I haven’t I been doing that? Because as I briefly mentioned in my last post we all feel like we have to settle down. But why? Why should I brain dead myself doing the same routine every day? what just because that’s what the majority of society says we should do. Can’t believe I fell for it for these past few months! I’m ashamed and now its time to redeem myself. All that confidence I’ve lost with myself is still within me because I say it is. All the passions I had like writing and helping people, the gym and just taking basic care of myself would be lovely to have back too so here I am making a start. 

I hate the winter, I hate the cold and I hate the darkness it brings physically and emotionally but I have to be strong enough to fight that. Motivation lacks which means the gym is very hit and miss, but I’ve reached an age where if we don’t work on our physical states then that foodie life style is just going to stick and then you’ll reach a point where you feel its too late to turn back the clocks. Now I need to be clear any shape or size is beautiful as long as you are happy with yourself and I mean that. The stigma of being slim and ripped all the time isn’t the main goal people should constantly strive for. However being a gal who loved the gym and did eventually get to a physical state she was in love with did involve me being a little more in shape than I am now and that is just my standard for myself. So I need to get back to that for me and no one else. On the topic of that a big pet peeve that I have developed over the past month is people telling me “there’s nothing on you” “don’t be silly you haven’t put weight on” I’m sorry didn’t realise you were in my body and see it and live with it every day… I know people are just trying to be supportive when they say those things but honestly stop saying it. I recognise the change because I live in my body. If I’m not okay with it then you accept that and let me have my moan and work on myself. You don’t need to say anything and if you do just be mindful of how you say it instead of being dismissive to me telling you how I feel. So I would like to work on the bod. Like I say it is hard to get in the gym as by the time I get home its pitch black, I’m tired more so because my job is 1% hectic compared to my other so now I feel even more brain fog day to day. You think the settling down of that would help but I can assure you at the moment it feels no better. Will I ever be pleased with anything that involves a job though at this rate?

Not having the social side in my job really has affected me as I don’t get to talk about anything new with anyone and progress intellectually in life now. My speech has gotten worse because again not speaking for so long day to day means I’ve lost the urge to strike a conversation as its all quiet in my head. I get very anxious in social situations again now because I don’t have anything interesting to say and I don’t feel like I can strike up a topic because I feel so behind with society at the moment. So we are at peak hermit and anxious pit state. But hey we’ve been here before and i’ll kick myself out again soon. Which brings me on to people. I’ve lost a few people this year due to leaving my old job, all my acquaintances that I did actually have interest and care about have slowly fizzled out. Which is a shame but I get it. When you’re in each others pockets in the same building everyday its easy to keep the flow of discussion. But as soon as you’re out of it they just continue as normal and you become a distant memory. I’ve finally come to terms with that and actually its not a bad thing its literally just a part of life and I have also done it myself so I’m no longer angry about that. I’ve also said goodbye to a lot of people because I needed to. I didn’t realise how much I was being pulled back but without so much toxic energy around me god its so much quieter and calmer. I’ve also tried to pull myself out of a rut and shy away from telling people how I really was feeling. I feel like a lot of my friends are also having hard times so talking to them about my problems isn’t really a priority my end which is silly to believe but I have done. This resulted in quite a big break down the other week where I cried on the kitchen floor for about half an hour until I stopped and told myself to get a grip. Unhealthy to some people but again that is what I’m like and actually it did me some good. I Haven’t cried for months before that so it was overdue I reckon. So what did I feel after?

Elated no, rough in the head and exhausted yes but the next day I looked at myself differently. I recognised myself again, I am allowed to show emotion in order to move on and that’s what time it was now. To move on and look for the next thing in life. Now since this I have seen and at least texted my friends more, I’ve also tried to see the positives of work that I wasn’t enjoying and I’ve reconnected with myself in some ways. Speaking to one of my friends about how life was going they recommended I needed to talk to people more and finally get myself back out there to gain my confidence back after saying goodbye and losing myself to a past misjudgement. If you know me you know I hate dating apps and I can honestly say after downloading it again this time that mind set is still very much a thing. Fair play to anyone who finds what they are looking for and gives them a go because if it works for you I have no judgement and I wish you well. However for myself I just find it a little degrading because it really brings out my insecurities. What I mean by that is I hate trying to flaunt myself in a picture or a quote to try and appeal to someone at a first glance. To then have to respond to someone who has liked your picture or who has had to try come up with a decent comment back for me to judge in order to respond. I can’t get across to you how much I hate it. But the thing I hate the most is that after the few days experience I had on it I actually seemed to have spoken to a couple of good people, yet after this I’ve realised that what I’m missing or looking for in life is not someone else… it’s just a little love for myself and a reconnection with myself. Which is so awful to admit because for the other person on the other side who has now listened to me and or given information about themselves in the hope for it to go somewhere I now have to politely check out. I know I don’t owe these strangers anything but a part of me doesn’t want to make them feel degraded just because I’ve selfishly found my way after they’ve given up a little piece of them to the conversation. 

So I find myself back at a healthier start. I know what I want to work towards now and that’s just a better version of myself. I know that’s always the goal as well but sometimes you give up and it can take months to try and regain that motivation or realisation of what you’re actually in need of. I am lonely but not because I need someone romantically to make me feel complete, I just need to reconnect with myself and then be one with my friends again. Little steps like keeping the space around me tidy, working on a skin care routine again, trying to get some style back in to my life and the gym is all in the works again and I couldn’t be more excited. After this year I’ve recognised that there is still trauma ready to hit me at any moment, but I’ve been through so much already so if I’ve just gotten through all that then I can try get myself ready for whatever comes next right! 

Im not fully myself and I know that it will take time but that is okay. All I simply need is to be myself and whatever that looks like on the day. I’m not ready to let anyone new in and let my walls down as I’ve brutally come to terms with. But that is okay because I said so. If there’s a day where I don’t see this message I have for myself then that is okay too because its baby steps if we want to get it right. 

Stop feeling pressured to settle down. Everyones settling down is different and it doesn’t have to be in your late 20s just because life has become a little off balance. Take the time and reconnect with yourself because life is not over nor does it have to stop to suit other people either. I would really like to get back in to writing more regularly but again that is another pressure that I just need to be mindful with as the more I pressure the less I want to write and the more forced it becomes. This is just an update to how I am and as always yeah its great that people read it but it is just for me. If someone is going through the same thing and can connect with it perfect, if you read it and think that was a waste of time its just about me, well sometimes its got to be like that and its my space to do so. 

Lets get back to mindfulness and the reconnecting will follow!

Big love thank you for coming to my self chat will be back with interesting and more meaningful to others content when I’m ready! X