She's got the 'Ick'...

What a day it is when you finally look them in the eye after all the times you went back, all the times you suffered when you thought it would change but it didn’t, all the pain you felt when it was coming to an end, when you tried to say goodbye but he’d still be there creeping in your life to make you question everything. What a day it is when after all that you can finally see the flaws in your ways and reach that lack of attraction.

Before we begin I’m sure most know what I mean by ‘the ick’ but for those who don’t, let me explain. Urban dictionary defines, “An ick is a point at which your initial attraction to a person flips into a feeling of disgust. The causes are many and various, but once someone gives you the ick, all desire is killed.” Couldn’t have put it better myself. I tend to find Men rather on the ick side anyway (sorry lads) but you do cringe me out at the best of times. My friend Matt has become accustom to my ick of the week where I discover a new one weekly and we laugh about it. This weeks for me personally is someone acting arrogant then realising that they were wrong about vocalising “how good they are compared to everyone else”, then trying to make effort with people they disregarded before hand… If you know you know.

I always believed everything you told me was true even when it wasn’t. I knew it but I wouldn’t question because it was you and I would always forgive you. I always looked at you and felt a safety and a comfort. When I looked in your eyes it was just me and you and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. Until I was trying to say goodbye, then every time I looked at you there was a fear of never being able to let go. Everytime you touched me, a hug, a hand on the arm I melted a little inside, I felt safe and I felt that connection that we had, that I thought would last forever. But now all of these feelings have finally turned in to a vibe I do not want.

Whatever you say to me now, no matter what it is all I hear are lies or a clutch attempt at a conversation that I struggle to get along with. But you lie about simple things in life and then get awkward when I call you out on your bullsh*t or don’t give what you said the response you expected. It’s now at a point where I can’t have a conversation with you because I’m not interested and you don’t have anything honest to offer me. When I look at you now, I just don’t feel attracted to you even as a friend because of how you’ve treated me and how we are now. All I do is question how you have physically changed and how you’ve changed me. I can’t help that because as soon as you gain a lack of attraction and desire your brain does see the bad side of someone and unfortunately it can turn ugly in the brain. Again very rare but when you touch me or come near me now my body tenses and hates the thought of you being in my space. I don’t feel a good sensation when I’m near you because there’s now a lack of trust and understanding of who you are now. An unsafe feeling. To me you feel like a stranger and I never thought this day would come.

I put up with a lot. I also contributed a lot, I’ve always said it wasn’t just you. But I’m done trying to protect what happened and I’m done with people not knowing how you treated me because I shouldn’t still feel guilty about how you look to others. I didn’t realise that even without me in your life people see the real you anyway and recognise how you have treated them until you needed something from them now. When will you learn that you can’t treat everyone like shit or manipulate peoples emotions because you need something from them and not expect them to come to their senses eventually and not give you the time of day. Still to this day I don’t know if you know what you’re doing or if your brain genuinely can’t see the situation its getting you in but you were a bright and wonderful person to love once upon a time. Now I’m afraid for you becoming very lonely as you push everyone in your life away. When I have looked at you briefly recently you genuinely look lost and I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice and I didn’t in some part of me care. Its not nice to see and I don’t want you to slowly put on a show to people if you’re really fading away inside. But that’s not you and I now is it. Its not for me to think about and it's not for me to comment on. I might even be wrong because that’s just what I relive to see from my perspective. So that’s where that thought needs to stop for me really isn’t it..

This post isn’t intended to hurt you either, not by any means. Nor do I think you will ever read it anyway now. But if you do I need you to understand how you make me feel and why I act like I do around you when you think creeping back in to my life every now and again is worth it. The distance between us has grown hugely now and I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy that. I finally feel I have walked away and the lack of feelings I have when I hear your name now is a gift I didn’t realise I needed so much. I think the biggest relief has come from my friends if anything, sorry it took me so long guys…

In a way it’s sad because I didn’t want our friendship to end but it was you who pushed me away by acting so ridiculous and disrespectfully. There was a phase where I may be wrong but it felt like you were trying to show off in life and make me feel as though you were doing better than me. A time where you were hiding away so much that you were then covering up your life with lies even though I knew what was going on. People talk and a lot of the time when I don’t want it, they spill the beans to me. I know you’ve moved on and that information didn’t even come from someone close to you, but from someone that happened to be your acquaintance and happened to have seen you hand in hand. They didn’t know half of what we had been through when they revealed that info. But I’m glad I did find out because you don’t owe me that information about your now private life away from me, just like I don’t owe you anything. But it’s good to know that you don’t think of me and makes me feel better that I made the right decision to move away.

The more I find out about you the more I can question things but that won’t get me very far will it. Silly thing is I do want you to be happy and to be honest I question if you are or if you are making mistakes that are going to catch up with you. But its not my place to worry anymore and you have some growing to do as you take that journey just like I did. If anything I feel better knowing that I will admit when I’m not okay and I will not fill my life with toxic things just because life is boring or I feel a gap needs to be filled. I feel I’m getting so much better at that and it's making me so much stronger and bringing my self confidence back so much quicker. I’ve had a shit year so far don’t get me wrong I don’t feel in the best of places but I can grab some positives and some progress regardless of that. Better times are coming right.

So thank you for giving me the ick even though you don’t know you have and/or didn’t have that intention. I don’t know what is next for the both of us individually but I do know that our time is very quickly coming to an end and I’m okay with that. We will never have the final talk of what’s happened and how we each felt because I just think it's too late and we wouldn’t have a mature time doing so. So I’ll just have to force the door shut with things unanswered like a lot of situations in my life…

I always think I know who my true friends are too but even after starting some new chapters in my life I still get surprised at people leaving and people putting on an act. I have sussed some people out with this the past month and I’m glad I can now get on with life without these people. I gave my time to so many and for what? For you to not be there when I take a little break from solving your problems. No thank you loves that’s not the way true friendships work is it. But again thank you for showing your true colours and giving me the ick as well!

I still have so much love for everyone in my life. I know I’ve been a lot to handle this last month and I have changed a little. Having Mickey die, leaving my comfort job and starting fresh has been a shock to the system but we are getting there and there are many to thank for helping me do so! So thank you to my true souls I hope you know who you are x

That’s all for now sorry for the tally of how many times I said the I word. You’ve probably now got the same feeling I have with this post hahah!

Speak soon x

P.s. the Picture of this one is representing me as the daisy trying to shine through on my own surrounded by you and others who try and shadow me from blossoming i.e. you are the weeds looool.