Respect yourself. Have some self control.

If you don’t respect yourself how are you going to gain respect from others?

The heart wants what the heart wants. We react in mysterious ways when we try to please the heart and sometimes this can be more damaging to the soul than good. What do I want the most from life? Happiness. Sometimes I think I understand what that happiness is and other times I’m blinded by what I want to see, hear and happen than what really needs to be a reality. Let’s debrief the week.

At the start of my week I was gaslighted by something very unexpected and to be honest it was a disrespect from someone that I’ve been blinded by for a long time. But the heart wants and the heart chases everyday because I allow it. They are my biggest heart ache yet my biggest love in life at the same time. Toxic is a word I don’t like to use but we are toxic for one another and that’s a dangerous game to play. You’ll think you’re in control of the situation, you understand what you are and that’s okay then BAM straight out of no where they shock you. They keep you dangling and tell you what they think you want to hear and then in a heart beat disrespect you and become shocked when you react. So what did I choose to do this week? Not react. Luckily I have a couple friends right now that keep me grounded and allow me to get things off of my chest so I can keep my emotions away from the wrong ears. But a big part of me this week had the biggest self control I’ve ever experienced.

Silence is sometimes more powerful than making a scene. I do not mean that in every situation as we continue to encourage people to speak out about how they are feeling. Please keep talking! But what I mean is choose who you speak out to about certain situations. It is your choice to control who knows you and that’s an important fact to remember. I can usually talk to this flame about anything. Honesty being at the front of my mind whenever we are together but honestly this time they didn’t deserve that. I’m not one for playing games or going on a revenge path. I just simply chose to hide away for a little while and recover in a calmer setting. They didn’t deserve to know what’s wrong and I think the level of self control I gave myself reflected well upon how in control of my life I am right now. I’ve been very depressed but actually going through the motions this week I’ve managed to calm myself down and realise the respect I now have for myself.

It hasn’t blown out of control on either end and to be honest I think its caused them a lot more thought on their behalf than it has mine and I won’t lie that makes me feel a little smug and happy for me. Comments and extra effort from the flame during the week has shown that silence and the lack of inviting them in to my private thoughts has shaken them slightly. Welcome to lack of communication and feeling misunderstood in our relationship. Not great is it? Like I said it wasn’t even my intention to make them feel such a way I was just giving myself the space I needed to get over the situation and heal but them reacting this way has shocked me. I’ve defended them before, I know they care and love in their own way but sometimes I deserve more and its important to recognise that.

I've been scared to move on with a lot of things. But they will come in time. I went out for drinks at the weekend and managed to have a good time, limit myself to what I wanted to do and even had a little flirt with someone at the bar. Until someone magically made the guy disappear when they realised I was talking to someone new… that’s another questionable moment. Not sure why they felt the need to do so especially after they have others in their life. Is it okay for some but not for others? Why are others allowed to move on yet I’m not wanted by certain people but I’m also not allowed to move on with someone else? That is for another post I think but something I’m recognising a lot recently.

Speaking on the line of respect I saw this quote before I went to bed last night which I resonate with so well right now “You can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate”. Reading that over a few times allowed me to recognise just how disrespectful I had been to myself. I give everything to my relationships, one of my flaws is that I really don’t expect the same back. You shouldn’t give to receive. But when I’m being disrespected and the energy and effort I give is now expected or second nature to this person and they really don’t give the same back then that’s a problem isn’t it. I can’t keep defending this energy and they can’t dangle this version of “happiness and love” while mugging me off in the process. You can’t treat me in the worst way or make me feel like my actions of love are wrong when the effort only returns when I try to leave. I have thought about leaving but I’m very aware that because I’m alone, I’m a creature of habit and I keep returning to this behaviour. I don’t want to admit its wrong because love blinds me. We’ve all been there and I’d go mental if it was one of my friends acting this way. But as long as I’m aware it's my fault and problem then I can’t blame anyone else and one day I'll finally slap myself in the face and control myself for the better. For now I feel that little bit of self control making the correct movements and that’s a good start. I don’t want to lose this flame but I don’t want to lose myself more and that’s the most important thing. I also don’t want to be your comfort that you feel like you can control and I don’t want to be the carrier of your confusion in life. That’s exactly how I feel right now and I have my own baggage to carry thank you.

Lessons learnt this week. They know what they’re doing, they know what they have done to hurt you and they want you to say it out loud so it looks like you’re the problem. I am not giving them that satisfaction. Limiting contact and the insight in to my head has been successful on both ends of the spectrum. I can do things and achieve things without them as hard as that is I can do it and I can enjoy that. I respect myself sometimes but can do better. I am worthy of love but I’ve become the woman of the group that needs to change the rep of being single and vulnerable. I am independent and I think that terrifies certain people when I actually start to move on on my own. Are people scared to lose me or scared to control me. I can rely on myself and that is a threat to others but a big benefit to me. I am strong but I am also allowed to go through my depression and have an anxiety filled week while trying to pull myself out. Its a journey of a life time.

I am also as always grateful to my lovely friends who support me no matter what. We all need others to help us get by and that is a fine thing in life. Share your life with people who give you the correct energy and who appreciate the love you give.

Love will come to me eventually. Gosh the month of love sucks right… but we moooove.

Loved chatting to people about this topic this week. Any comments welcome as always.

Speak soon x

Picture is my pretty freaky leaf plant that I still don't know the name of but is starting flowering throughout the week. Coincidence but every time I over came a moment i woke up to a new little flower blossom..