Reflection of my 2021

The time for the annual reflection is here. I’m first going to say good riddance to a year that I kind of want to forget to be honest. I have found some good moments from the year and of course I have learned a lot from the bad times which is a positive however overall I’ve decided it was a crap year in 2021 and I won’t be holding on to it for very long.

Let’s start from the beginning shall we.

Setting up this blog was the best idea I’ve had for a long time. It was something that I thought of myself, something that I wanted to have for myself and grow as I did throughout the year. I didn’t post as much as I wanted and life kept giving me unexpected turns but look at us. Here we still stand together and I’m proud that I’ve given it what I could each time and I’m happy that I can start the year again ready to progress. Today I had my new daily planner delivered. But first it was time to fill out the last page of last years planner ‘reflect on your year’.

My top achievements this year:

• Set up my blog

• Went to and completed therapy

• Miles 4 Mind

• Bought new car

• Opened up and shared my mental health with people important to me

• Gained and Maintained reflection

Of the top of my head these are the achievements I have chosen. Some more important than others but each achievements in their own rights.

What did I learn this year?

• If I really want to I can achieve big things

• Time is precious and a lot more value than I realised

• Being honest with myself is just as important as being honest with others

• Closure is something I’ve needed for a long time and can heal us well

• Good things do come to those who are patient but put in the work
  

My five happiest and empowering moments:

• Admitting I needed help and facing therapy

• My last steps as I completed Miles 4 Mind

• Believing in my vision and setting up my blog to share with others

• Finding that I have not been the full problem like I thought I was in relationships

• Seeing the worst side of me and still pulling through ready for another year
  

There were other questions in the book but some of them are still to be private. Whilst filing out the questions I took my time and thought about every word I wrote. This was again a time to be honest and I enjoyed it. This year that was a big skill that I managed to achieve. When I say this I don’t mean I’ve always been lying. I mean that I was hiding away for a long time and I was aware of the problems I were facing but weren’t strong enough to admit that these problems needed help. They needed to come out and be shared in order for me to heal from them. It took years for me to notice the steps I needed to take and this year I feel that I not only became aware of the steps but I managed to take quite a few difficult ones. Therapy was a huge step to take and a huge help that I am able to admit. Not everyone needs therapy and it isn’t always for everyone but for me it worked and I am grateful. So many things from my past were triggering me and still do but at least I gained closure knowing that it is okay to feel these things and life has dealt me wrong in some situations.

My Miles 4 Mind challenge was one of the best achievements of my life to date. It was almost a luck of fate that I even found the organisation in the first place through instagram and I set myself up for it very spontaneously the last day to sign up for it. It was the first fitness challenge I had done and the first real bit of fundraising I had done too but god I’m so glad I took the chance. I had not trained for it and I certainly didn’t know what to expect. But I really wanted to prove to myself I could do it and I wanted to give back to an organisation close to my heart so it motivated me a lot. I did this in a good month. May is my month, my birthday month which instantly spurs me on to do good things anyway. But there was also a lot going on around this time. I was still in therapy I was still having panic attacks around this time and overall things were happening that I was trying to get a hold of. The challenge was very difficult to fit around work and other things and I started to slow down the last week and a half of the month. Because I was battling with myself I injured myself pushing too hard on a couple of sessions and this really knocked me back believing I’d already failed. It’s almost like I love putting myself under pressure… I was really down and when trying to complete the challenge I got in my head so badly which took a toll on me physically and mentally. But best believe even when a friend cancelled on my final session I went to the canal and I hobbled across my finish line. Once I’d finished the challenge I was relieved but so elated. I was so proud of myself and kind of in disbelief I had done it. It felt right that I had helped others but also done this for myself. I would like to hope I can take part in something similar this year so we will see!

Death was a big problem this year. A lot of friends and family unfortunately left us and it hit hard every time there was news of someone else. Nothing has hit me quite as hard as when my Nan left a few years ago but this year having friends leave was just as bad. The only good thing about losing people is that you can be there to keep them alive in the only ways we know how. To be there for a friend who has lost their loved one is so challenging and heart breaking but I’m glad I could be that someone for them. I regret I couldn’t spend more time with the people we lost this last year before they had to go but I am grateful for the little memories I have and grateful for the love and people that are left to spend life with. Rest easy up there we are always thinking of you! X If we can have a safer year with this happening a lot less I would appreciate that…

I treated myself a lot this last year. All I did was save money and I barely had fun. This is a big thing for me to understand. Time is precious and if you don’t have fun why are you living your life. Yes we work to party but I was just working…and working and not partying. I tried to change this. At first I was feeding my sadness with goodies I would buy myself but towards the end of the year I would like to think I reconnected with people a lot more and got myself out a lot more too. I do want to move out and have my own space but I also need to realise that I can’t compare myself to everyone else my age. The opportunity will come when it is ready to happen and therefore I spent the money I was saving for this on a car. I’d wanted this car for 5 years so I went and got it because I could and that was okay. I’ve had the car since May and I still feel proud of myself every time I get in and drive it. Big well done to me from me.

Now a big section of my year comes down to people. I had a couple of people from my past rock up and try disturb the peace. Very random times and very unwanted at first. However I am grateful to a couple of these people because it lead me to something called closure. For years and this year I have been battling with the confusion and uncertainty of what I had been doing wrong in relationships love and friendships. I had come to terms that I would never find the answers. I had blocked these people from my life and that was that. But facing these people again and the things that were said were actually very empowering for me. I learned that actually I had been mature about situations and people had their lives going on but had chosen to either take it out on me or took a vulnerable person and made them (me) feel that I was the issue when actually I was not. They’ve since admitted this to me and I feel some sort of closure from that. All I do is support people and I am happy to do so but people have taken advantage of that and it is not okay! I was able to respond in a way I wanted to and to be honest it felt good to be comfortable enough to have the conversation and be honest enough to say I don’t want to open this door now that I can officially lock it and throw away the key. I don’t blame anyone for going through hard times and I do genuinely hope they find what they are looking for. But that’s not going to come from me.

The love life was again in the gutter this year. Even further than that perhaps but here are the lessons learned from this time round. I have found that I can love but I just choose the wrong people to love. I have a post about this that’s sitting waiting for the right time. I am very open to talk about it but I don’t think some other people are ready for me to do that yet and I respect that more. But I did feel like I wasted my time. I stayed where I thought was comfortable and I sabotaged my own love life because of it. Not much affection this last year and certainly no love to come from it but right at the end we managed to face this conversation with someone and I again got the closure I needed. Didn’t expect it but I got it and in this situation it did so much good. I feel a lot stronger for it and I feel like I have stronger relationships with people because of it too now so Thank You to you for that even if you didn’t realise what was going on. I love you in the right way now. Maybe I will try and socialise a bit more this year but things have to change within me. I need to love myself. I have banged on about this so much and not actually done it. I’ve already started back at the gym and I’ve done some planning in to pushing myself to be better. Its an on going process but I am on the right tracks already so lets get it!

A tough year and one that I have again learned a lot from. I have a mind set at the moment which I like and I hope can keep going for a long time. This is the year I try make things better for me and not just for others and that’s a promise I would like to have written down for myself. I have already resisted one panic attack this week and that is one of the biggest achievements already so let’s keep that up.

I am so grateful to so many people that if I started listing I would miss people out because I am very lucky to have a lot of people part of my life who make a huge difference. I hope I do let people know who they are and I hope that I continue to work with them to make this new year one to enjoy together.

My close family I am grateful for. The ones who see me every day in every state but still stand by me. Dad I hope I can see you this year. I’m sorry I have put it off for so long but maybe this is the year I do make the right effort.

To my friends that have known me for years. I love you and we can continue supporting each other as we progress in this life. I’m lucky to have relationships that have lasted so long like ours. Even if we don’t see each other often, we know we are there always for one another and the love only grows.

To my friends who I haven’t known very long. With a friendship like ours time doesn’t even matter. If we click then who is to question a thing. I am grateful foe the difference you have made in my life after a short time and we can only grow from here.

To my long distance friends. Distance doesn’t matter when you can still talk and still understand one another. The time we do have together is precious and again we are there for each other in the best ways we can be. I hope to see you all physically this year but for now let’s stay in touch and support each other as much as we can. Big love always.

To the people who’s relationships with me have been a rollercoaster. It’s up to us to know if it is right or wrong. For the people I may have let go I hope that I have been honest and I hope you understand why. I hope that you find life takes you on new journeys and you learn from a relationship that maybe didn’t work out.

I love you all dearly and I am more than happy to say I am ready for another year with you all. It will have its challenges but I’m ready to take them on!

Sorry this was a long one but I hope that you all take time to reflect on your journeys in 2021 and prepare for another year of madness. I hope to dedicate myself to this blog a lot more this year so let's go.

Chapter 1 complete

Speak soon x