Mickey

‘Goodbye to this chapter’. Didn’t quite mean to say goodbye to multiple chapters all in the space of a week though…

Life really does like to test my heart doesn’t it but here we are in one of the biggest heartbreaks I’ve ever witnessed. Whilst writing this I have to say it has now nearly been two weeks since and I am slowly seeing a little bit of light and calm to the mess and trauma I have been feeling. But in case you didn’t know here is the story of the biggest goodbye I never wanted but had to receive.

Grief is never a good feeling and never a good experience. My chest ever since has been tight and locked in. My whole body has dragged me down in to a pit of vulnerability, anxiousness and self awareness of how lonely I feel. I’m scared that I’m slipping back in to a depressive phase. I’m shocked at what I saw and how I can’t unseen it, I’m upset and full of grief and I’m angry that there’s nothing I can do to stop the waves of each of these feelings occurring whenever they feel like. I just have to sit here and deal with them as they come and go and let them release what ever they need to for me to eventually see the good in life again with his memories by my side. But for now I’m back to a confidence knock down of feeling very unsociable and not myself for as long as the universe and my brain decide. No control, no way back and no desire for life right now is not a vibe I want to feel.

Mickey, my dog for 14 years. I grew up with this little side spirit, he was the dog version of me. Curly haired, hungry always, sleepy, snuggly, anxious and grumpy and the funniest character I have whiteness in a dog form. He was a mini me and he supported me through everything. “He’s just a dog, how can a dog impact your life like that they can’t even talk” sometimes a soul speaks a thousand words without needing a voice. Sometimes an animal can recognise what you need before a human does. We had a connection like no other. God don’t I now realise that as I hit yet another dip in my mental health.

To see my little fluffy soul disappear was like someone had just taken my heart out and stood on it then some how puffed it back up with air and filled it with stones. Can your heart be heavy to the point of holding all of this hurt without oxygen in your body to breathe but still light and empty? Yes I can confirm it can and it is awful. Feeling numb I think would have helped but I just felt pain, for days. This was supposed to be the start of a new chapter as I left my old job. I had this week off to settle and prepare for my new job but instead I had a day of meeting someone in my life that day and leaving ready to say goodbye to them forever as I didn’t want that negative energy in my life anymore (new post incoming for that one) to then snuggling my best friend on the sofa and saying goodbye to him two hours later. Why does everything always happen all at once?

When I was anxious just seeing Mickey in the room was enough to settle me. He always knew when I wasn’t right as he’d come over to me and lay with me. A lot of the time he’d rest his head on my chest and that was enough to regulate my breathing and calm me instantly because he felt my pain and he was there to release it. Show me I wasn’t alone. As soon as that disappeared no one else could give me that same connection, not because I didn’t want them too but it will just never be the same. Everytime I looked in to his eyes did my heart melt no matter what and I will never get that again. Heart breaking. How many times can your heart break? Apparently many but this one has got me deep and come at such a bad time. But what time would have ever been okay… I just hope that he can still feel how much we loved him and will always love him every time his name is mentioned. Because like any death of someone you love the memories and love will never die.

Luckily we have another dog called beau who we re-homed last year. He’s not the same dog and hew will never replace Mickey but now it’s time to start a life with just one pup and create a whole new life of memories with him. At first I wasn’t sure having him would help as he isn’t the same as Mickey at all and I was afraid of rejecting him. But the last two weeks have only brought us all closer together and now I have a new little companion to look after me and give me lots of love which he does.

…

A few days have passed since I’ve started writing this and so once again the mind set if changing all the time. There’s a lot of change right now which hasn’t been easy but I’m slowly started to get my mojo back. I’m aware of somethings that I need to make changes with and of things I need to let be until I’m ready to let go but all will happen in good time.

But a last few words to my little fluff master.

Thank you for the memories you gave me

Thank you for taking my heart and filling it with the best 14 years of love I never knew could happen.

All I can take is good vibes from the life we had and that’s all I want to think about.

My heart will always be broken now you aren’t here but it will heal a little knowing that we made the most of having you here.

I love you always and nothing will ever compare.

So sleep and snuggle well up there and shine on us whenever you feel like.

Say hello to your fur friend Teal and I hope you have the best time feeling lighter on your feet.

X