Look in to the eyes of yourself

Do you look at yourself in the mirror and hate what you see? Physically, Mentally? What are you looking at exactly?

I see physically I’m not in the shape I want to be in. I’m out of shape for how I like myself. I’ve lost a lot of muscle from lack of training. To me I feel uneven and can be better. I know you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people and you should love how you look but I judge myself compared to how I’ve been before and what I see myself wanting to look like. I also need a fresh trim and my skin is as pale as milk rn. I need some fresh sun to get those freckles out and get those vitamin D rays flowing.

Mentally I see that I am not the person I believe I deserve to be. Happiness isn’t there, confidence isn’t there and all I see is darkness within my eyes. I look lost and feel like someone is either trying to control my body and isn’t getting it right or I’ve found my way in to someone else’s soul and I’m trapped there struggling to find my way home. I think when you see the light go out in your own eyes you see yourself for real and it scares you. I know for me this is wrong and to be honest I scare myself as I don’t recognise what I’m looking at.

For me this has been happening for months and I’ve been moping around letting anxiety take over straight away in every situation. I actually feel ridiculous! The states I’ve been getting myself in is a joke. I don’t see how bad I am being of course because I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself and/or having a panic attack overthinking everything. I’m still constantly trying to help others and change everything that really I can’t change. I’ve been almost in denial at the fact I can ask for help and it will fix things. I just need to get back some distractions that I enjoy and I’ll start seeing myself again.

Let’s look at myself again shall we…

I am young with plenty of ambition and plenty of time to change life to experience anything I want to (within reason). I am still learning everyday wether I'm having a bad day or not and I don’t even see it. I understand the brain can be shit and take you down an imaginary path that you don’t need to experience. I fully know that I need to ask for help and stop being so stubborn and bothered about help effecting my ego. I know that I can “fix” the way I look if it’s really bothering me that much. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I know that when I look at myself in the mirror the good part of me is still there and she wants to be here!

I am going to have bad days where I read these posts back and I just don’t believe a word I say. I’m just going to have to deal with these times. I am that person who will continue to try save everyone, I can’t stop it. I’ve tried but I just can not stop caring which is a blessing and a curse I guess. This obsession with being in control of everything at once needs to calm down.

A big step for me is finally asking for professional help. I’ve contacted a therapist and am currently counting down the days for our first session. I won’t lie I’m still slightly against therapy and still feel stubborn believing I don’t need it when I know I really do. I’m not sure how much I will share with you on my journey with this as its something very new for me and something I'm not sure how I'm going to react to, but we’ll see. For people who do know me they understand how I feel about accepting this help. I am so stubborn and out of my depth with controlling this and I think it’s going to go one of two ways.

I tell everyone that asking for help and speaking up is all we need to do in this world to make change. I am now setting my own example doing this rather than just saying it. I hope you can stand up and do the same for yourself if you need to also. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong admitting you need it.

Evaluate yourself, how you’ve been feeling and the poor parts you see in your life. But then counteract like I just did. What you you actually see vs what you want to see! What do you need to change? Or are you doing the right thing for yourself but looking at it the wrong way. Let those negative people, thoughts, evaluations go or take them and use them to gain an advantage for your own self healing!

This weekend I was able to watch the first Formula 1 race of the season. When you follow it from a young age you recognise the full extent of the sport. It’s not just cars going round a track. It’s the journey the racers go through in life to gain experience, the teams journeys developing drivers and knowledge, politics to get to the top and the development of the cars and people involved with it. For a driver they are stepping in to a chance that no one else in life may understand. Getting behind that wheel not knowing the outcome in the end. Using skill and strength to push themselves mentally to attack and defend to get to the podium. They literally experience a thrill so dangerous that it exceeds your brain to the limit within a matter of seconds. To me that’s fascinating and something I would be honoured to feel.

I would love to be passionate about something like they are everyday for a job. Something that gives me a thrill and pushes me to the limit in the best way. Of course I will never be an F1 driver or marry one of the drivers </3… but I think we are privileged to experience their lives and any other athlete, musician or inspirational influencer as it shows us maybe what we are missing and what we can also work towards in life.

Start making changes for yourself. If you don’t see the light in your own eyes then you struggle to look at anything with love. This doesn’t mean its the end and you will always feel like that. It just shows you, you need to try something different and each change is a step towards looking at life with love again.

I just bought a new Orchid today. It has the most blossom shoots on it I’ve seen on an orchid. They will be beautiful when they open and I’m seeing each blossom that opens as something positive or something new that I need to improve in my life.

Look at yourself before you look at anyone else.

Big Love x