Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Ello how we all doing? It’s only been a week since I sat down and wrote but it feels like a lifetime after I’ve returned to work this last week. There’s been a mix of emotions and situations this last week but…I can honestly say for the last few days at least, I haven’t cried or felt as anxious as I was at the beginning of the week and I see that as progress. I’ve cracked on through a busy few days which, has felt horrendous but I’ve managed to not let it effect my spirit and I’ve walked away from work leaving it behind me ready to refresh again the next day.

It’s a new week and I had a bit of a reflect last night and this morning about life. I’m feeling quite average today which, isn’t a bad thing. I’m ready for the day and keen to see how the week goes trying to keep that open mind going. Yesterday was valentines day which as we know is a day I don’t particularly enjoy. But work was distracting and when I returned home I had some flowers from mum which were cute and I sat all night watching F1 streams. For me a blissful evening haha. I also didn’t feel alone even though I had been lately, I was quite neutral and was honestly proud of how well I had done mentally this last week. This just made me grateful to my self love side of life and therefore I achieved the best kind of love for that day.

Yes I feel good right now. I’m not suggesting to myself this will last but again I’m trying to keep an open mind and carry on. I can see some light at the end of this tunnel and I need to keep going! As I said a few things were discussed and/or happened this past week that put things in to perspective for me. I didn’t see a couple of negative people that were bringing me down before which helped me to relax back in to work and show myself that I can do my job and I can only get better with time. A couple of my staff members one night after a busy shift turned to me and said to me that I create a stress free environment and I motivate people even when mistakes happen or it feels like there’s no escape to a situation. For me THE biggest stress head and anxious filled soul that I am, this was so wholesome and lovely to hear. So much so I had a little happy cry in the car on the way home. I stress so much about people seeing me anxious or worry that my mood is effecting others and I'm not hiding it well. But I think I’ve genuinely learned that you need to show respect and patience at the correct moment in order for it to pay off later. People make mistakes and it can affect you or make your life harder but they’re human, these things happen and you can’t change them once they’ve happened. It's how you respond to situations after and find the best way to resolve or even the positive side of things. Why would I make someone feel so shit about something they have accidentally done wrong when I could have made the same mistake and all they’ve done is work hard to do the best they can. It is okay to mess up sometimes and people need to realise this. It motivates you to do better if you recognise what you’ve done but over come it in the right way!

A few people at the moment are still going through their difficult times which is sad but they aren’t going to stop coming unfortunately. I don’t know how but something has clicked and I'm managing to help others but also feel like I’m not taking on their problems either. I can just walk away after and feel like I’ve been honest and not consumed myself in the situation. This has meant I’ve been fully honest and perhaps too realistic for some people but that’s because I'm doing that with myself FINALLY. I hid away for the beginning of this year. My coping mechanism is not great but its what I naturally do and struggle to steer away from. I am brutal with myself, I push myself to the limit until I finally snap out of it and realise how stupid I am being. I had a lot of time off with holidays being used which meant I locked myself in the house, barely went out and shut myself down. I locked myself off from my friends. I spoke to people on occasion but it meant I would ignore the messages and phone calls until I was ready. This could have been days in between.. I spoke to I think three people consistently and didn’t lie to them about how I was feeling either. Thank You to those people!

These chosen people weren’t people I had known long compared to others you would expect me to be truthful to, but they were there, never judged and didn’t know me so well which helped. They were honest with me and were patient and also reminded me they were going through things at the right times so I’d want to help them back. For the friends I didn’t speak to it isn’t anything personal. But we do hide away from the closest people sometimes. Not because I don’t want you there but because you’re too invested in me and it means I can’t hide my past as well? Also if I know someone close to me is going through things at the same time I would invest myself in their life too much again and drag myself down. This time it was about me and finding myself again so I could come back and support and be the friend you all needed so I’m not apologising for that. I would expect you all to do the same if you needed to.

Social media. I was active when I wanted to be, chose the people I wanted to see me and didn’t take on board too much of what was going on. The only thing I was invested in was F1 teams bringing out their cars or merch, live streams from the drivers or other Twitch streamers I enjoy watching and memes that people were sending me. This is all I needed. I would pop a post up from time to time but it was when I was ready for a little attention that day or had something to say. My blog page was my escape and I wrote a lot down that needed to come out which was good. But I felt so much better not caring what others were posting or saying to me because I just needed that cut off.

Because I had so long away from people I made myself so ill with my anxiety that I wouldn’t get out of bed sometimes or I’d feel sick at the thought of going outside for a walk. This was when it was becoming the lowest point and I started to change mind sets. Once I get to that lowest point I snap out of it eventually and realise I'm not treating myself right and nothing is going to get better if I don’t make effort to say it is or make change. I’d had my sad time for a long time but enough was enough, it was grow up and back to reality time. It’s hard to do this and not everyone has the same extreme way of dealing with it but I come back stronger and I look back at how silly I was being. This is what people need to understand about their problems. You might not ever get over something but you need to persevere and keep trying different strategies to get YOURSELF out. No one is in your brain. You create the thoughts and you tell yourself you can do it. Eventually you get sick of yourself being negative and realise this. The right people are always there to understand afterward and be there for you when you are ready. Some can’t handle it and some are trying to stay a float for themselves and can’t get involved with you and that’s fine.

At the moment I think I’m actually getting over that someone which has been a long time coming. I’m helping others but being honest and therefore staying true to the person I am. Again this helps me to leave their problems behind once I have spoken to them as I’m not regretting telling them something they may not have wanted to hear. Work so far is improving as I’ve improved my attitude and I’m going to try keep this going! I’m just taking my time and allowing myself to celebrate little wins, doing simple things to make myself happy. I can see the light finally.

Nothings perfect in life, we are all struggling, we are all trying to live in the best ways we can. There is constant bad news and more work than usual in these times to stress us out but you need to remind yourself you’re not stuck. This will not last forever but the world owes us nothing. We work hard to overcome and achieve things because that’s the way life goes. We make our lives better by doing or saying. We fall down and go back to the beginning but we get up and we build ourselves again until we get it right. That is the way life is as messed up as it sounds and one day things will fall in to place one by one. We are impatient these days and want things to be good (I know I am). But I am learning that you have to make life better for now in order to make it better for the future. I’m slowly getting there and so will you!

Don’t say tomorrows going to be as bad as today make it a better tomorrow because you want to and you can in some way. You CAN. I look forward to us all making progress and realising we can do this alone and together.

Big love

Jade x

P.S. I wrote this yesterday (Monday 15th) but didn’t feel as productive to edit and post it. But here it is now.