Intro...

Intro…

Where to begin has been a tough one for me to decide. I have that much going through my head and so much to release I don’t think I’ll struggle to keep going with this project. Which I suppose isn’t a bad thing! I’ll probably end up rewriting this first post a dozen times and I still won’t be happy with it but I need to remember that I am doing this for me and no one else. My escape, my rules eyy.. This year I tried many things in order to tackle my mentality, many of which worked.. for a very short while and many of which didn’t. I was in a loop with my emotions and couldn’t seem to get out or stay positive for more than a week probably even less. This didn’t begin this year however the situation with the world of course allowed me to spiral in to the worst state I’d ever found myself in. Where was my better tomorrow?

I’ve tried to hide my day to day struggles from a lot of people, by doing so I’ve lost many along the way and/or pushed many away whether they had good or bad intentions for me. At times its been a lonely journey regardless of the support I get my brain just seems to tell me I either don’t deserve this or I can do everything on my own. Both are not the case in reality as I am learning now. I’ve always found it hard to talk about my feelings, not sure whether it was stubbornness of facing issues alone and not being a burden. Perhaps not wanting to look as weak as I felt on the inside? Feeling like I was responsible for other peoples happiness a lot of the time therefore hiding my own struggles and giving them the advice I needed to be following myself. Many questions of why I process life the way I do float around my head every day. But that’s what this whole thing is about for me.

Throughout my posts I’m going to break down the problems I have faced and in a way come up with a solution of the lesson I learned at the time and what I need to remember in case I find myself slipping backward again. Throughout this year one bit of advice stuck by me which was “You are always saving everyone else. Who's saving you?”. This was said to me at one of my lowest points by someone I respect very highly in my professional career and this was a wake up call for me. For him to see me in such a way but give me the time of day and recognise what I needed to hear was a very appreciative moment. This was when I started becoming a little more vocal with my friends about how much I do suffer and why maybe I do hide the way I do or respond to them in certain ways. A big step for me and one that gathered varied responses. But I saw my true supportive group of people. The ones who I could lean on a little more, the ones who maybe realised how much they leaned on me so we could find a balance. In the end I realised I shouldn’t ever have hidden this, maybe it would have drifted away a lot quicker. But I made the choices that I thought were right at the time and here we are now.

I can’t stress enough I do live a good life. I have a good close support in my family, a good

group of friends, a good job, car and I treat myself to nice things when I can. However a big part of this journey was even harder for me having this be the case. I’m living a good life yet it still wasn’t enough which I think just shows anyone can go through stages with mental health no matter what you face life with. There will always be something that isn’t there to fill the gap you’re looking to fill and for me I didn’t know what this was for a long time. I still struggle to understand now even when I’m on the right path again!

As I said there are many things that I’ve learned about myself and others this year and I have plenty of time to get in to them. I’m laid in bed currently writing this as this is my ‘safe hour’. Between 11-12pm I actually relax. Whether this be releasing a few emotions, watching YouTube or just laying with music. It’s the time of day sadly that I finally feel safe and ready to achieve anything. Which doesn’t really work when you’re trying to get a good sleep routine or if you’re on an 8am start at work.. but for now I have a couple more days off. Tomorrow is NYE, I’ll probably write again in the hours of the empowered New Year vibe en route.

This is my starting point. I’ve had a positive productive day and I’ll look forward to an even better tomorrow!