I know her...

I know a woman who’s been looking for something. She plans goals and celebrates little achievements on good days. She gets distraught when she can’t turn around a bad day because she cares about happiness. Sometimes she sleeps for a long time and sometimes she has little sleep at all. Her brain going 100 mph everyday wether those thoughts are good, bad, extreme or peaceful. She’s been trying to fix herself but gives up on that to fix others. Wether she does that to be in control of something that she can succeed in instead of her own failed attempts or because it's in her nature to care about others happiness before hers, she does it anyway.

She has her own ideas of situations in life. Some she shares with others and tries to carry on with her in life and others she hides or dreams of in silence. Some days those dreams are ready to be shared and other days they are stuck in her head and heart not to be released yet. She’s suffered for a long time. Wondering wether her life will ever progress from the pain she’s faced before, is she doing the right things in life. Should she be more successful, should she put up with silent traumas. Will she be a closed book or will she open the pages to someone someday. She did this before but where did it get her? Hurt is the answer.

She’s a dreamer. She dreams of a better world for herself and others she loves but she’s been frightened to go get it. She thinks she doesn’t deserve it. She thinks that she should stay invisible. She has been for so long that her reality has changed. Invisibility is normal, it’s safe and it's all she’s had for a while. She has a poker face. She wears it to her everyday life and she hides her dreams. They’re invisible behind a poker face or is it her natural face. She doesn’t want it to be. Her poker face is there for those that she doesn’t want to let in. They don’t deserve to know or be around the real her so she has a persona to hide that and give those people a version to scare them away. Is it working?

She’s a cold heart.. who actually has a warm heart. Filled with love to give and a dream of old romance. She misses the opportunity of an old romantic and feels the world will never approach with that. She hides away and doesn’t allow the world a chance because she lost faith with love. But has she ever had it? I would say not. So what is love? She’s sad that she’s never had love and she worries about not having it. She knows she’s still young and that’s not all life is about but she’s still sad. She wants to give love. She wants to share life with someone, in many places around the world. She wants to see all of life and experience moments in her dreams. She can do that but she wants to do it with someone else. Where are they? She loves flowers. She would love to be thought of. She wants that picturesque romantic sunset. She wants to look at someone and feel that warmth and safety she dreams of.

She’s unconfident. She misses her confidence and wants to find it again. She let others take it and that disappoints her. She looks at herself and sees the potential to have it again but also sees her own disappointment. She knows this won’t last forever. She’s making changes slowly and they’ll pay off when the time is right. She has days where she can face the world with open arms and then other days needs to hide away and let the world pass by without her. She feels alone even with the knowledge and love from friends. But they know her and they support her no matter how much reassurance she needs and she gains confidence from them instead. Will she show her own confidence again? If so when because she’s losing confidence in the success of the possibility.

She’s stubborn. She has patience for everyone but herself. She wants to know everything now. Understand everything now and be everything she can be right now. She knows this can’t happen but she won’t admit it. Instead she sees herself failing or gets worked up when things aren’t going how she’s planned. She can’t accept help. She needs to be the strong one for others but she knows she can’t do that unless she can look after herself. Does she change her habits? No. She takes on too much and she suffers without admitting because she’s stubborn. She will not admit defeat because the battle continues. She will not give in to the bad energy that keeps hitting her. She will not give in to the evil spirit holding her down when she can’t breath, why? Because she’s stubborn with that as well and that determination makes her strong.

I know this woman. I’ve seen everything that she’s been through. I can see everything she wants to stand for and I can see that she can do it. She’s been looking for a lot of things. One of those things is closure. Someone finally gave her closure for a year that she first saw as wasted. But she realises now that it was not wasted but an eye opener. Lessons learned and the closure of the fact that it wasn’t her, it was them. She tried to get happiness, she tried to open her heart and she tried to give herself success. She was looking in the wrong place. She is not stuck like she thinks and she does not deserve the way she treats herself. She finally sees herself for a part of her worth she has been missing. She’s on her way back. It will take time and she knows this but its a start. She has her flaws and doubts listed above but she’s strong enough to admit those. These are apart of life but its how you choose to take them on that is the real journey.

She is I and I would like to welcome myself back to life. Its been a little while lets not leave it that long again eyy..

x