Hello Jade

Ello from a me I’ve become to recognise this past week.

No secret I haven’t been on the best journey recently, however this last week has really brightened up my life for many reasons. I am not cured of my darker side of life but I’ve certainly taken a step towards a brighter path.

I was burned out in my job and really needed this week off to rest. I have not rested, in fact I’ve not stopped and I’m just as tired as before. But it has been so worth it.

Every day I was reminded or shown that I was loved and deserved to smile. It helped it was the week of my birthday but it was such a turn around right from the beginning of the week that just didn’t stop. I had a couple of meals out which were so lovely. I am a foodie but even the organisation from my friends was so appreciated and it was good to just sit and spend time with them without worrying about time. I had a couple of walks with friends which were just as lovely, again having a catch up and the time to just open up about life and reconnect with people. I bought more plants and had plants bought for me. Can’t fit most of them in my room as always but Im excited to grow new plant life again. Finally my birthday…

During my therapy sessions we’ve come to a conclusion of many that I am mentally lonely. It is hard sometimes with the shifts I work as my friends are busy working and doing their own thing. I struggle to open up to people as it is and get so stressed at the thought of burdening people or not being wanted in their lives. I know a lot of this is just my brain creating situations that aren’t real and not communicating properly with them to let them know how I feel. Almost making myself the victim of loneliness. But my birthday as cheesy as it sounds really opened my heart. I’ve met a lot of people over the years with jobs and education etc and I have actually kept in touch with a lot of people which I do forget. I have a lot of people around me, not people that I would open up to fully about personal struggles but people that would always be there for me and could still put a smile on my face. I’ve hidden away from so many that I thought they would be gone by now, but how wrong was I. I had so many lovely messages throughout the day that made me feel so loved and reconnected with people.

Historically my birthdays haven’t been so great to celebrate. There has always been something to spoil it. Which I nearly let happen this year, but after one of the best therapy sessions I’ve had to date I really directed a situation logically and put myself first. I heard something from a friend that destroyed a situation and feelings I’d been holding on to from my end. At first I was really upset but after thinking about it and speaking with my therapist we came to a solid conclusion. People like attention. When feelings are involved we automatically love the thought of someone ‘liking us’ even if we don’t feel the same back it’s good to know someone thinks of us and will almost always be there in that short period of time to remind us of that. This isn’t something I’ve felt for a while but I have been holding on to feelings that aren’t going to progress from their end. I have been gullible and have gone back multiple times because they would say the right thing in the moment. But they’re going through their own journey and I will never understand it from their end. But that’s okay. I love the friendship and will not let this go. I’m also aware that I will continue the feelings and will struggle to let them go for a while. But that’s okay too. This journey is for me. I’m getting myself back on track for myself and to find myself attractive again, not to try and attract what was now an old flame. This made a chilled evening at home just as special and has taken a weight off my shoulders.

I haven’t smiled for a while. But I haven’t felt happiness for a lot longer. This week helped me to reconnect with that and look at myself for the first time in a long time. It was helped with time away from everyday working life but mainly from everyone that took the time to think of me in their life each day. Remind me of things I enjoy, things I’d not experienced for a while and just sharing with me that I mean just as much to them as they mean to me. Overall I am not alone and I am grateful to the people in my life. I’m still on my journey and still need to find this happy balance with work involved etc. But it has helped to find that I can have the confidence and happiness I used to have once again.

I’m hoping to get back to regular writing again and sharing my life with you as I battle each experience. Theres a lot changing and there’s a lot to be apart of and give my opinion on. I have also finally decided to add my face to the page. I felt the confidence to own my page in every way. Something that might not seem big to some of you but for me is a massive step as I don’t want to hide anymore. We are on the way up!

I am still on with my miles for mind challenge. I haven’t been as active as I wanted to be but there is still time and I will complete it. Again thank you to everyone who has supported me so far whether that is donating or sending me such supportive messages. Another thing to get me back on track to helping others and helping myself to feel productive and useful in life again.

Big love to all of you. We are still apart of this together and we can get through our dark times, enjoy today and have an even better tomorrow. Speak soon.

X