Good riddance 2023. Welcome 2024

You know me I love a fresh start. Yes I am the cliche new year fresh start to a new chapter vibe. Normally on the this post around this time I have a good structure of things I’ve learned, things I have achieved, good points and my goals for the new year based off of the last. HOWEVER I can honestly say last year was one of the worst years for me, mentally, physically and creatively as I’m sure you noticed in my writing or lack there of… So lets just wing this shall we and see what comes to the page.

First of all I want to thank every person in my life who stuck with me or had any small influence on attempting to make my year much better than it felt it was. I know I was a tough little blossom to look after last year so I really do appreciate the ones who tried to keep me blooming. With each month no exaggeration giving me a tough life lesson or trauma I really struggled to keep my positive go happy self in check. I withered a lot and gave up a lot of hope for myself. With a couple of months return of panic attacks, 4 big cries (I don’t cry a lot, a little like Cameron Diaz in the holiday… its actually a condition) a stop on the gym which used to be my safe space and mental health balance and a lot of goodbyes, it really was a dream to say goodbye to it at midnight on new years eve. 

I won’t digest too much of all that as it really is in the past now and I’m working very hard to get past it all, but there are some positives that came out of a couple so let’s focus on that side of them shall we?

I feel I said goodbye to a lot of people which I now see was for the better in my life. Not necessarily in the ways I thought I would say goodbye but I ripped off the plaster in one swift motion (I really hope Edward reads this post one day and laughs at that reference please text me if you do hehe) and there I was saying goodbye and closing the door on some relationships that had gone on too long. For some I didn’t realise I needed to close the door and I didn’t actually choose to to start with. However seeing how some people react when you move away and need support, some you try to help and have your good intentions twisted or manipulated, or when you finally stand up for yourself and show them you deserve better, it really opened up a fire inside of me to say enough is enough and release them from my little world and in to someone else’s. You can be a support for some people for a lot of years and still have it thrown in your face unexpectedly and I think it is really important that you prepare yourself for that in life. Now I’m not saying don’t trust anyone! I’m just saying wait until you go through trauma or big changes in your life where you need support and see who your true people are in life. If they don’t make effort to help or even give you a thought when you need people then I’m sorry to say that you need to cut that tie love. You’ll eventually realise that your strength to give yourself better was the right choice I promise. Please also however be aware of other peoples situations, are they not there for you because they are hanging on themselves. If that’s the case be honest with each other. No need to cut ties but a simple reminder that you’re both surviving right now and you’ll be back when you can is more than okay!

Not going to the gym. Now this one is mixed to write about, I loved the gym, I love to look good and I love to go to the gym and release all bad toxins to start fresh again after. However due to my change of job and not having as many people around me to focus on I really found myself in a ball of self pity. Spending more time alone means there’s a lot more quiet around me. A lot more open space for my dark thoughts to make themselves heard and this is not a good mix after a while. Getting home later from work means that it is peak time at the gym and I hate battling 100s of other people trying to better their lives at the same time through fitness. I found myself unmotivated, more and more unfit and I finally started having a balanced diet rather than a mix of rushed off my feet with a side of stress and a snack every 6 hours. Weight is put on which is healthy weight but all I see is myself now as out of shape as I do less and less. We are in winter so I always struggle to go out or go to the gym as I get deeper and deeper in to seasonal depression. All together it hadn’t been a good mix and it all happened at the wrong time. But having the break between Christmas and new year which I haven’t had working in hospitality gave me a week to prepare the end of my year and have some self care days ready to refresh for a new year and it did me wonders. I went to the gym, I finally got a hair cut and I took the risk I wanted to do last year and got my curtain bangs, I also ordered a new yearly planner and prepared for the next few months with that and just generally got my shit together. It is so much more important than you think.

Overall many negatives but here I am still trying to extract good from them because it might have taken me 8 months to balance but I will not let negativity defeat me! I’m not saying “this year is going to be my year”, it might not be. But I’m starting it off much better than I did the last to try and make it a god year. 

Some balances in life I managed to achieve before the end of 2023 were finding time to communicate with my friends more and spend more time with them. I neglected people for a while whilst I hibernated in my poor state of mind but I was lovingly welcomed back when I was ready to with no judgment which I am grateful for. I may not have talked much about what I was going through with people which is bad of me but I like to think I was better at giving them the heads up that I was down and I wouldn’t be around for a while so, thank you for understanding and giving me the time. I also feel settled in my new job. I still lack a lot of knowledge and it will take me a long time to learn all about welding supplies but I feel I have found my niche and I can continue to learn and run the job how I need to. Working with family was always going to be tough but I think we are quite good at it really and there’s a good balance of professionalism and me doing what I want within reason…like taking the dog for a walk mid day so I can refresh myself and the dogs brain of course lool. I no longer dread going to my job or feel stressed to the point where I am alone with no help either so its a win win for me. 

So really I don’t have many lessons or points I want to reflect on to set me up for this year as I’m sure you will understand but that’s okay because I have new dreams for this year now that just need a fresh start and time spent on them. 

The gym is my main goal that I have already started, I know this is one of my goals every year but I’m in a different position with it now. I want to gain my definition and overall fitness back but mainly I want to go and feel safe there again. I want it to return as my place to go to release those toxins rather than be a place where I bully myself further if I over pressurise or don’t see progress instantly. I need to be patient with determination and that’s a mix I will find in time. I don’t look how I want to look at all at the moment and I’m really hoping I look/feel better by the time events in life start in march. So that is kind of my 3 month goal you could say. 

I want to take new experiences and make memories. Again I have plans for this already. My first trip being Thailand with Rhea. I’m so excited to have another adventure like I did with south Africa and I get to experience it with another good friend who I am so grateful to have by my side. We will make the most of it I am sure. I also have Silverstone for the British GP booked again which I always love and look forward to returning to. But I also want to try and have long weekends away with my friends too and make the most of the days off that I have instead of sitting home lounging on the sofa.

I want to decorate my room. I know this sounds odd but for me it comes from the fact that I won’t be able to afford a house on my own the next couple of years unless I don’t have a life and I’m just not willing to do that. Therefore I want to continue saving but also spend my money on good experiences. If I’m going to be at home for another 2 years plus then I want to have a space I feel relaxed in. My room gets more and more crowded the more I fill it with things, that is not going to stop as the older I get the more things I want. But just having a taste change of wallpaper, bedding and accessories I feel will really help with my self care vibe right?

Self care! Not just fitness but really looking after myself. Keeping a good diet, skin routine, hair cuts, and talking about my mental health will really be the full front this year. I don’t like how I let all of this go last year and I really don’t like the feelings towards myself that it brought so its time to make the changes and get back on top. 

Finally I’ll make this my last one. Writing and giving back. I set up this blog for myself but really loved getting messages from people when I wrote about topics that didn’t just involve my heart break or my deep depression at the time. I used to take a topic and give both sides of opinion to help people, I used to take personal topics and be open so people didn’t feel alone and I want to get that back. My posts on panic attacks (“are those stars in your eyes”) and grief (“the life of a flower”) were my favourite pieces to write about and I want to do that again. I think raw writing benefits me and others more as this blog is a reality and I’m not story telling so people feel like they can attach their experiences to it. That is really important to me and I want to do more to give back now I feel like I am passed a big step in my mental health. Added on to this I had a year off of charity challenges but I am working to do something again this year. I need a bit of help and influence from some people to achieve it so I’m not bigging myself up for anything until I have a solid plan!

I don’t like the term resolutions so these are promises that I am making to myself. I want to be better and I can be better and I think I’ve set myself up right this time to make things happen. However any motivation, positive thoughts and good vibes are more than welcome. I might even start the Monday positive post again. Some found it cringe and annoying but I enjoyed saying happy new week to everyone because at some point someone will need it : )

So thank you again for giving me time out of your day and I hope we have a good year of progression together! Sit down and make some promises to yourself, they don’t all have to be positive or physical; challenges. They can be mental, smaller promises or baby steps in months at a time. Either way do it for yourself because you deserve it!

Much love as always and it feels good to be back. Speak soon. X

P.s. the picture is from a few months ago but was a simple time with fond memories and a smile.