Getting in tune...

The last year as I’ve been so open about what has been one of the worst yet useful journeys I’ve been through. I allowed people to belittle me, break me down and take away any good part of me for their own selfish gain and it took me a year to finally say no and bring myself back to a state of mind that was finally healthy again. These lessons came from one individual whom I let my walls down to and exposed my heart to, which I now understand to have been a misjudgment as they weren’t in a stage of their life to see what damage they were doing and also weren’t ready to have a mature look on life. But it also came from people who I let close to me, who I trusted and who again weren’t ready to be mature. In some way this was fine as I had been there myself but slowly my mind set was changing and I was surrounded by that many people who took me for granted that I couldn’t recognise myself anymore due to everyone else’s lives suffocating mine.

Whilst working on myself I have gained a bit of a cold heart attitude which, is how some see it but to me it is a strong attitude of not letting people take the piss basically. I am here I am still a person on my own going through my own mental health yet I still want to be here for my friends because I want to make people happy and give them the same advice I wish I had a year ago. However still to this day find that people are still trying to break me as a person and use me for their selfish gain. NOT HAPPENING! I will not apologise for recognising this and removing toxic energy away from me this time. I am not here for it. I can not believe I’m still here listening to people and trying to help people and they are abusing that. Manipulating my friendship and taking advice that I have given and perhaps recognising a different angle to advice but then using my name in their own battles. No… do not abuse my friendship and intelligence like that.

One of my friends said to me the other day “it’s not your fault that you’re in tune with your emotional intelligence and other people aren’t” and you know what that is one of the best things I could have heard. That is literally what I have spent the last year trying to connect with, my emotions and to hear someone recognise that even when I didn’t think I was there yet really gave me that positivity I needed. It took me all this time to get to that stage, admitting that I was going through something and I needed to focus on myself, allowing myself to take time away from people so that I could live for me and not them. But having the strength to remove toxic people from my life and not feel I had to take to social media or put up a front to others and myself to convince them I was fine. I was not fine and that was okay. I’m not saying I was completely alone in this journey I as always am very lucky to have a good few people around me that will check in and stay in the shadows waiting for when I am ready to come back and I love you all for that. But there is a lot that my friends don’t know I’ve been through in the past few months mentally and to me that is okay because I have suffered but enjoyed teaching myself discipline and working my way through my shit. This time unlike a year ago I can say I still recognised who I was throughout the struggle. I don’t change for anyone now, I say it how it is and I don’t pretend to be something that I don’t need to be to fit in with anyone.

We will always make mistakes and fall but it’s important to look at yourself and recognise what you need to do to fix it. When you’re going through something you need to be selfish and take yourself to one side and go through the shit, otherwise you’ll be sat for months expecting the world to change it for you. You are responsible for yourself even if someone has hurt you, you need to look at what you need to change and let yourself go through the lesson it teaches you. But some people aren’t at a stage of realisation that not everyone else is the problem and it is a hard one to learn. It takes months of pain and graft but once you’re there you realise all the people you pushed away and hurt but all those that you managed to let go of to make your head clearer. I’m apparently still fishing out those people which is a shame but I will not allow people of any age to make me feel so empty again. I’m only sorry to these people that they aren’t at a good realisation of their journey yet, I can try and give them the advice that I needed but not everyone responds to reality well and again that is okay. They will get there one day but I won’t be the punching bag to their battles.

In the last couple of months I’ve been afraid of settling down in many ways, I don think I was ready for a slow 9-5, giving up nights out and giving up the time to sit and take on everyones problems however, I’m working through that and actually lately I’m not so scared of it anymore. I don’t have to put up with immaturity, I don’t have to feel exhausted to feel I’ve achieved something and I don’t have to be busy all the time to block out everything in my head. I am still struggling but I’m allowing myself to be alone and listen to what my negative thoughts are saying. It’s scary but I get to face it and afterwards look at all the progress I have made. Life may be boring but I get to have meaningful times with my friends and I get to look myself in the eye and like what I’m seeing. That doesn’t mean I have fully settled, it just means I’ve accepted the woman I am and I love that. Some people need to go through that but age and life experience is still to come for them and I can’t wait to see it because I know what a good feeling it is. I still wish the best on some of these people because I recognise in them what I used to be like and I know deep down they are the people I first met. People are just breaking them down and they’re losing themselves which is sad and I hate that they have to go through it but we at some stage in life have and will go through it and I hope they love the person they are afterwards! In the meantime I’m continuing to let them go or filter them out for a bit because I will not let people destroy my progress to make themselves feel better. For some I can see they are still acting selfishly and gaining good things in life at others expense… when will karma pay a visit! But after months of little contact and a calm feeling of knowing I’ve brought myself back from all the damage they did I can smile when I see them. Not because I’m happy to see them but to know everything I have without them and gosh it’s a good feeling!

So my message to myself with this one is well fucking done for working so hard and becoming in tune with your emotions. You have literally worked years for this moment and I’m so so proud of you for it. I know you’re not 100% happy with life but that is okay. Is anyone ever 100% happy? No it’s a work in progress everyday so let’s keep going. I’m sorry that people are still trying to upset the peace but that’s on them not you. You’ve just got your sense of love and care back so if people abuse that yes it will be sad but refuse them the chance to do it again. Might be harsh but cutting people out who don’t have good intentions for my life has become an easy action to take and I won’t stop that. I’m a grown ass adult, I don’t need drama anymore I just want good vibes and good memories and that’s what I’m here for regardless of this year trying to curse me constantly.

Still got a lot of love for the good people in my life, if I haven’t been in touch it’s not because you’re gone from my life but because I just needed a little time with me. But also as much as people say message me when you need/want me it’s still nice to not always be the one to check in first. There is a line and still that occasional voice in my head that tells me that people don’t want me if I’ve not heard from you. Baby steps!

Big Love x