Eyy Up

How are you? It’s been a little while hasn’t it. I go on about putting yourself first constantly yet I never actually did it for myself. Can I really class not having the time to write as putting myself first though, that’s still debatable.. no point blaming the life I live when I haven’t made a change though right.

I remember my last post was quite straight to the point and a big message to myself but I decided that once I’d posted it something needed to stop because it wasn’t what I wanted to write about. I want my blog to help people and not just be a an outburst of my feelings when I’m having down days. Hence also taking the break from writing until I could pull a decent topic together other than my life is just work work work and no balance with social life.

Sat here I still don’t exactly know what to write about. The feelings I’ve had recently have previously taken up other posts. Work took over my life once again and I just think I deserve to be unhappy sometimes with the way things go from one extreme to the other in terms of my work life balance. Obviously that isn’t true but I just get so tired and worn down that I push every bit of happiness away and end up in the same unmotivated, antisocial mind set that I started with. Still unsure about where or what I want to move on to which doesn’t help but only I can decide so here we are. However after having a week away which I’ll get in to, it did make me see just how unhappy I had become again and how it doesn’t have to be like that. There is a side of my life that I still love and want to pursue. I came back with an “I deserve better” attitude and since then I have stood up for myself a lot more and taken a breath when it comes to difficult situations. It’s what I’ve needed for a while I do believe so yay me. What has been going on?

I was finally lucky enough to get away to Greece a couple of weeks ago. Finally getting to see my grandad and my Greek family. It was needed for a long time but it meant a lot more after how this past year has been and how much we have lost this year. To me its not a holiday when its your second home and I love going every single time. I loved going this time but it was also a very emotional time and a slight wake up call in a way. It was hard not having some friends there with us this year. You felt the loss in the air as we walked along the front or even sat in a bar. We’ve had a few friends and family leave us this year and I think finally sitting down to gather some peace really brought all that to the front of my mind. Grief will hit you in times and ways you wouldn’t expect but its always there waiting to hit you. Sometimes remembering is positive and the memories make the hurt go away. However it does remind you of how precious life is and how quickly time goes by. We must take life on every day other wise we are wasting time for those who lost out. Not everyone will see it that way but that’s how I felt at the time. It was also hard not having my girls together like we would be usually. One day we will be reunited together as we should be but at least we still have each other from a distance. In my times of feeling weak around the last couple of weeks I believe I’ve finally turned a corner and I can see who is there and how much I’ve been giving to the wrong people.

When I returned from Greece I made a conscious effort to get over my insecurities and get myself back out there! Nothing is going to change if I don’t make the change! So already I’ve caught up with a few people since returning which I’ve loved and will continue to do so (if this flu will get gone after nearly a week…). I’ve also made plans to tick something off of my bucket list. Myself and my bestie have booked something very special for 2022 and I’m so excited I could burst every time I think about it. So lucky to have her in my life and I hope finally we are seeing some progress towards happiness for her. I’ve also been going to the gym slowly but surely and have tried to be more spontaneous with plans etc. I’m not fully there yet but again time will tell.

Now with positive change comes sacrifice. Although honestly I don’t see it as sacrifice but something that I should have changed a long time ago in order to put myself first. Theres someone I’ve been risking my happiness for for too long now and one phone call finally put it all in to perspective. The lack of love, thought and just basic connection I actually get out of any situation just isn’t enough to stay anymore. It takes a long time to for your mind to clear when you have your heart goggles on but when you finally have that epiphany…GOD let me tell you its the biggest weight off your shoulders you will ever feel. I give too much and receive so little in return. Fair enough I prioritise people when messaging etc, everyone does. To be ignored and know about it and for someone to be too busy for me after they know what I’m going through. I DESERVE BETTER. Very happy to think enough of myself and say that too. I’d expect you to realise that for yourselves and give yourself the same respect and break you need!

There’s been a few individuals that have tried to disturb the peace in my life recently and to be honest I’m just not accepting it. While I’m strong enough to do so I can happily turn them away and graciously tell them where to stick it in a mature manner so that they know how I’m feeling and at the same time hopefully realise that they are not going to drag me down with their own issues anymore. Not today and not tomorrow thank you loves…

Other things have been going badly right now which don't help with daily motivation but they aren't topics for a blog so nothing more to report for now. I’d like to get back on track with topics I’m actually wanting to discuss and actually have something to keep my mind active. I still want to help people and I’ve missed being involved with my own feelings as well. Hiding away is something I am very good at but it isn’t healthy as we all know. So here I am.

Help me out and start talking again. I feel like we are all going in to a bad phase right now that I’m not allowing us to fall back in to. Enough is enough let’s work together again.

Ciao for now x

P.S. It's also Mickeys birthday today so obviously he's making the cover of this post in his little birthday scarf.