Change...

Hello guys,

I’ve been so absent with myself the past few weeks. Every negative moment has become the end of the world for me and I’ve just not been able to work through with the mind set of finding a positive or a way out. I’ve done exactly what I tell you guys not to do in every aspect. When I struggle I make it 10x harder for myself because I know I’m not this person and I can get myself out.

It had been a while since I’d broken down and not had a panic attack up until Tuesday 9th. I could feel it building for a few days as I became more and more tired and started putting more pressure on myself to get through my days at work. That day I woke with the intention of not seeing good that day unfortunately and my whole brain shut down. A couple people played a part in making me feel negative, lots of people needed my help, I was very tired and hadn’t shut off from work from the previous five days and overall I’d just not been focusing on myself. Normally I notice this happening have a few hours of being upset but recover telling myself to snap out of it Not this day.

I’ve been unhappy for a while but I’m very aware that we are all unhappy and the fact that work is the only thing in my life, so of course I am missing good times, people and distractions as each day goes by. This day however it was just a little too much to bare. I also didn’t realise how much other people were noticing how badly I was becoming again. I like to hide from people a lot so hearing a couple of people close to me tell me how badly I was becoming and how I was coming across compared to how I thought I was, was quite shocking and upsetting. I’ve been putting on a brave face and taking on everyone else again to try mask what has been going on with me and I just can’t help it.

Having multiple panic attacks that day was a big set back for me as I hadn’t had one for over a month! Overall I felt disappointed with myself and struggled to cover it up and recover that day. I was embarrassed for breaking down and showing a vulnerable side to my boss. He was very supportive and always has been but I still didn’t like the fact I couldn’t professionally pull myself together. I know this wasn’t a weakness but it was a wake up call and I still have a few decisions to make after calming down and reflecting on what happened.

Firstly I was so close to just giving up my job, walking out the door in a heart beat and hiding away. I’m not enjoying my job fully right now as a lot of people aren’t but it’s still a job I can progress and learn from and I would have been stupid to give it up and just sit at home hiding. I’d like to think I am a hard worker and but my life in to a job (probably too much at times) because I want to achieve high in whatever I put my mind to. So telling myself to give up and leave so easily was a shock to the system as well that day.

Secondly I have always refused professional help. I get to points where I think about it but then freak out or become egotistical thinking I can do it all on my own and push the idea away. This day I admitted I wanted help and probably should have sorted it out that day in the moment. Each day since I still know deep down it may help but the disappointment from Tuesday has just made me want to pull myself together on my own again because I know I’m better than that… This is just something I will aways find hard to accept or search for. I have plenty of resources and support if and when I do want it and I know that but I have to WANT to do it. I do have a life coach in mind and am currently debating whether to invest. I already have a connection with her and I know I can request her help when I am ready. Going to her would be easy and I wouldn’t feel embarrassed or weak to do so. I just need a little more time.

Onto the third aspect. I know myself right now is completely different to how I was a year ago. A confident, strong, ambitious and loving person. I had so many plans and was doing so well planning to achieve them. Right now I don’t feel I am all of these things. People might tell me I am but I don’t see it myself and therefore it doesn’t exist to me. We don’t have long before life can start to build again and become the new normal. Things change everyday and we have to adapt to them right! I know as soon as I can see people face to face again, go out and see/do things I want to distract myself with then I will return to a me I recognise. Even just having a day off today to try catch up with myself has calmed me and has allowed me to prepare for a better tomorrow so to speak.

Distractions are a big part of my daily self care and changing the amount of negativity in life. The more time I have to plod along doing things I don’t enjoy and think about how lonely I may be or the things I haven’t achieved yet, the worse I am mentally. As I’m sure a lot of people struggle with. We’ve all had a change in our everyday lives. A lot of time to think too much or have been thrown in to work without having a lot of down time and that’s hard to cope with after a while. I am happy for people who do manage to find ways to shut off in this climate or maybe live with friends so its been easier to cope with perhaps. I need my friends and need to explore the world again to remind myself of who I am! I know this won’t be long so I just need to keep remembering that change is coming.

None of us asked for our lives to change this past year and it was a change that I don’t think we can ever fully recover from. But we can change how we act as we form in to our new lives and that’s something we need to blossom from. Facing that anxiety, depression, progression and learning to accept change as an opportunity to grow is what we need to focus on now. So keep reminding me of this and I will equally remind you. We can do this together as always.

I wanted this blog to be my escape. I wanted a place to be honest and see a positive side to each problem or situation I spoke about. I have found that a couple of posts like this one haven’t been so cheery or maybe helpful to others reading but it is helping me. I struggle to explain to people what is going on in my head and I find it easier to write it down. Which is why I’m not going to apologise for a boring post. I’ll admit I’ve lost who I am a little bit and this is my way of reaching out and finding myself again so bare with me pls.

Much love as always, I am here for everyone always no matter what is going on with me, I just need to remember myself at the same time.

Speak soon.

(picture is taken in Greece 2020 and represents when my mind was clear and relaxed)