Challenge completion, closure and reflection…

Goodbye to the best month of the year so far. May taught me a lot about myself once more, a couple of poor moments to plan ahead for but mainly good for once!

Main achievement for May was the completion of my Miles for Mind. I’ve posted about it all on my instagrams but thank you for the final time to everyone for their support it really meant so much more to me than you could ever imagine. The fact I completed the challenge in the first place shocked me, especially when I picked up my leg injury in the last couple of days of completion. I’m so proud of myself and happy to admit that, so much so I cried along the canal when I completed my last mile. I said I wanted to help people more and have some purpose and this defo contributed to that. When my leg finally decides to heal I can’t wait to continue with my fitness as the improvements I were seeing really helped me look at myself and smile again.

I already wrote about this but I had the best birthday week ever. Everyone again made so much effort for me and I am so grateful. Getting the chance to finally reconnect with people is exactly what I needed and I need to keep this going. Getting to catch up with people and just let them know what had been going on was really helpful. I’m not honest with people too often but this change was needed. People are understanding and they care when I don’t push them away! I’ve gained some friendships that I didn’t expect and also reconnected with old ones. There’s been too much loss and loneliness this past year it stops now.

I had a lot of break throughs with my therapy sessions. Some days where I thought I had had the worst week ever actually turned out to be rather big learning curves for me when we sat and broke it down. It’s still going really well and I feel like I am achieving so much more on my journey. I’m also learning what the journey is about with every session. It was interesting something that was said last week. “We are not doing this so that you can become ‘yourself again’ we are working on how you can live to love the person you are now” and I actually really wanted to hear that unknowingly. Parts of the old me are still here but I have changed and that isn’t a bad thing. Every week is a new lesson and I’ll continue to learn them and try and adapt what I learn to use in life everyday.

There have been some rocky moments. I did have a massive hit of reality as I learned I do need to move on with a relationship, as they are. The feelings aren’t going away but I can be open about life with other people and have fun where I can. A lot of my friends are finding someone at the moment, which is quite hard for me as I do feel like the only people I’m with constantly are from work. I would love to meet someone. I knew I’d never been good with love and that is again something that comes up a lot in therapy sessions but I also didn’t realise really how much I wanted it. I do react badly to compliments or attention when I’m not expecting it but really I do want it. I want to share my days thoughts with someone other than my friends who have to listen to me ranting all the time. I want to listen to someone else about their day. I’d like to wake up and say good morning, say goodnight and smile before I close my eyes and just spend time with someone. Yes I’m aware how mushy this is coming from me but I am lonely and would appreciate this. Maybe not a relationship romantically even but the thought of someone thinking about me as much as I would them would be a cute thing to have. I’m happy for the friendship I have kept with someone, it still hurts to be around them sometimes but I’ve learned that this will happen and I can’t just shut them away because the love is there and I want that I’m my life right now. You live and you learn.

Work is a whole story but that convo isn’t for a blog post. I can say however that I am very unhappy career wise and my panic attacks were so bad one week of this month because of it. Changes need to be made which is why I am thinking of other career paths right now. It looks like i’ll have to go back in to education for what I want to do which would mean a slight change for where I am now while I study. This decision will be hard for me to process but overall I need to think about what’s right for me mentally. So possibly this month all of this may change again or I’ll keep pining and it will roll over till next month. I’ll choose the right decision for me in the end.

The weather is beginning to look a little brighter these days which makes me happy and productive but also makes me even more tired apparently. I seem to have dipped physically with more head aches and sleepy sensations through the day. I’ll go to the doctor one day I promise but for now I’m trying to stay active (when my leg doesn’t decide to play up..) and keep hydrated. I never drink enough but I have been doing well recently on that front. I’ve found my last two days off I’ve wanted to be really sociable but plans haven’t gone to plan again and it’s put me down slightly. There has been quite a lot of drama from other angles too that don’t include me right now but I know the situation is coming where the ‘therapy friend’ will be wanted. So I’m hoping the next few days aren’t going to tip me over the edge backwards but positive thoughts for now right.

I don’t have a goal or a challenge really for this month currently. So for now I’m thinking just keep happiness at the front of my mind. Make decisions for me and see people as much as I can to enjoy myself and get myself back out there again.

Take a reflection of your last month and carry these lessons forward to bring you a June you want and deserve!

Goodbye May, Hello June