Are those stars in your eyes?

I’ve held off on writing this post as before I felt very vulnerable talking about this topic. However its now something that I suffer with quite often on and off and is now becoming common knowledge in life anyway. What does it feel like when I’m having a panic attack? *Please be aware that this is just from my experiences and I in no way want anyone to feel uncomfortable reading it. If you're not comfortable reading or talking about panic attacks then don't read further. However I am sharing this vulnerable part of my life to try allow people close to me to understand from my point of view and/or get help if they feel they need to do so.*

I’ve suffered from these for a couple of years now, more so as the pandemic progressed as loneliness kicked in and the pressure of living in such a confusing and unpredictable way. But they have slowly become very different every time I have one. More recently a lot more severe but I think its important for me to share how it feels from my side so that people who have seen me recently can understand a bit better. Again I must clarify I am no where near a professional with this and this is purely my own thoughts and my own experiences that I am referring to when I talk about this. If you are suffering with panic attacks please speak to a professional. I left it way too long and didn’t do myself any favours by doing so!

There are different things that ‘trigger’ me. It can be an over thought of what someone said a minute ago to as far as a few days ago. A lack of sleep and stress. Predicting a negative future before living logically in the present first. Or a lack of productivity and feeling like I can’t relax until I achieve something. All these things add up and they’re hard to control when your head isn’t seeing the good in life that day.

My stages are similar but my symptoms vary. I’ll start having a little battle in my head. Almost like the beginning of a fire. I’ll keep adding things to the fire, usually illogical things that I don’t need to think or worry about but choose to think about in that situation. The fire gets bigger as I start to fight myself, telling myself that I need to stop being stupid and fuelling this negativity, while the other part of my brain is throwing more and more in to the mix. Eventually this little fire ball gets way out of control, I start attempting to focus on my breathing, 9 times out of 10 failing to regulate it. As soon as it starts of course this is when I panic and do the common thing of shortening my breath and losing control of my head and my body. I used to lose my breath for a couple of minutes and calm myself as soon as I realised there wasn’t a reason to be panicking however lately this hasn’t been the case.

The reason for the title is because lately I feel like a star is trying to shoot around my body. That fire ball gets that much out of control that it shoots off and sends my vision with it. You know the feeling of when you get up too quick and you lose your balance, go a little fuzzy? It’s a bit like that but I’m sat down and I go through the motion of losing a little site and things going dark, to all of a sudden everything being so bright and my focus not re adjusting. I get really hot while hyperventilating and then shoot back to cold with ‘after shakes’ as I’m gaining my breath back. My body goes rather weak after tensing so much during the attack which sends my tired straight after the commotion calms down. Of course my heart rate increases as I’m breathing so irregular, after my chest can feel quite tight depending on how long it’s lasted or how well I’ve managed to regulate my breathing. It’s not a good situation to be in and even with the right help I still have them and still struggle to remember the right thing to do during. I also add to the mess by getting myself upset during but mainly after as i’m disappointed it happened in the first place. Again I don’t plan to have them and I shouldn’t be disappointed in myself for not having control of something so unpredictable but I do.

These attacks are going to be a continuous battle in life which I have come to terms with. The more I talk about them and be more accepting that they are happening the better it will be for me in future. Already upon reflection recently I feel less stressed when I think about having them, they have been horrendous but actually when I think about why they occurred I can start to recognise what was setting me off and what I need to work on to try stop them.

I think it's also important to mention that having someone fully understand what you need in that situation is important. Ask for help or make sure you have someone you can contact or bring by when you are in that situation. I’m having to be a lot more open about my situation as I unfortunately have them the most at work. Not ideal and I hate that so many of my colleagues have experienced me in that moment but its out of my control and I know that no one is judging me for it. I am very lucky to have someone who has been with me multiple times whilst having a panic attack. He’s very good at calming me down and takes the time to understand what’s going on and what I need during and after. He knows who he is and I can’t thank him enough. It was hard for a man to see me in this way for a long time as I felt weak and and very vulnerable wanting to be this independent woman in every situation. But that’s not a thought to have under this circumstance. He hasn’t judged me in anyway and I am not weak for suffering from the attacks in the first place. Something I have only recognised recently.

After speaking to my therapist about the attacks she’s worked with me to try and prevent them from happening of course but has worked more with me on what I should be trying to achieve if they do happen.

• Your breathing of course is the most important aspect. Try to sit up straight to give yourself space to breathe. It is as simple as breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth but you need to get that oxygen in your system. For this you need to inhale and hold for a few seconds and exhale longer than your intake. This allows a decent amount to flow through your airways and create a rhythm for your breathing again.

• I never thought about this until my therapist said it but your senses are lost while you’re having an attack because your brain is lacking all control of your body. Trying to find your senses again starts to allow your brain to almost recalibrate in to sending the right messages to your body again. This process is a little harder to focus on as you’re trying to breath but can be effective if you do one or two or have someone at the side of you taking you through them. Name things that you can see, touch, taste, smell and hear. The number of things is up to you and you can find things in any order. This helps me a lot as I stop listening to myself breathing weird and/or crying as I’m trying to find the answers to each of these senses. I find I recover a lot quicker with this distraction.

• After my attack has happened I have this short almost cool down time where I shake for a little while as I’m settling down. It’s important for me to stay sat until I’m fully ready. If I get up too quick or start stressing about having to go back to whatever I was doing then I potentially send myself right back in to another attack which, helps no one. Take the time and readjust. There is always time!

Suffering from something like this doesn’t make you weak. You’re having them for a reason and this is what you need to find to try and work through them. Most of the time mine are down to caring too much about doing well in life or about losing control of something that I don’t need to be taking on in the first place. I need to take a step back do you?

Find something to focus on. My miles for Mind charity challenge for May has given me purpose and something for me to work on achieving. It’s been hard physically and mentally while having down days and thinking I had no time to complete this amazing cause I had signed up for. But in the past week alone as May comes to an end I have pushed myself to limits I didn’t know I had. Right now I feel amazing. Not only have I helped people with the money I have raised and the awareness I have achieved but I’ve helped myself. I’ve recognised myself the past few weeks and in a way reconnected with my head again. Running and walking has allowed me to clear my head and do that. Find something that’s going to allow you to escape and/or find yourself once again. You can achieve the impossible when your head is clear.

Let me know your thoughts on this or anything else you deal with in life. Can I help? Or can I help you to find the right help?

Still building those better tomorrows for the both of us x

The image is a calm space where i recognised my achievements this week. I also try and visualise calm spaces by water and sun when I'm having my panic attacks.