A stage of cliché

Whats the cliché? How the tables have turned. When am I talking about? From last year to this year. From 6 months ago till now. My life feels like I’ve been stuck on a level for so long, in pain trapped feeling there’s no way of completing it. To blasting through 10 levels so quickly and exceeding my expectations to level 100 on the positivity scale. What has brought me here. Taking a breath, stopping and observing bad behaviours and toxic energy around me, watching others behaviour and recognising my behaviour within them that needed to stop. I’ve learned so much about myself the past 6 months that I couldn’t possibly have known without going through what has been a shit storm first. But look at me go.

I sometimes still look at myself and question where this woman blossomed from but I was always here. I just thought I had to hide for a while, protect myself because I was too much or perhaps not enough for some people. Which leads me to the second cliché. You’re only too much for people who aren’t ready to accept who they are and what they can gain from you. It’s okay to not click with everyone and feel like you can’t have someone in your life. They’re just too much for your vibe at the time. One day you might be ready for them or the time might never be right but it’s important to recognise that and make sure that you are sticking to being you and don’t get too concerned with over compensating when someone doesn’t click with you in their life.

It was important for me to learn I wasn’t right for someone this year as my life became consumed by trying to make it work. But in the process I lost all of the love for myself. I am unique as is anyone in this world and I do struggle socially sometimes. That stems from a whole past that we don’t need to get in to but I know now that I am fine the way I am and the things I would find repulsive about myself or the toxic thoughts I would have about the way my brain processed things and presented them in front of others are just traits that I need to take a breath with and process in a healthier way. I can do that now I’m not focused on how I look in front of other people. Once again not saying next week I will be cured of all anxiety and depressive thoughts. I’ll never have a bad day again. But I have a lot more happier and healthier days now and I feel a weight has been lifted so I can breath a little steadier. Not to blow my own trumpet but I’ve noticed a lot more attraction since letting go of this urge to change myself for everyone or put in too much effort in the wrong situation. I just want a pure life. A life with little drama and laughter. A life where I can shine for myself and spread that with others who need/want it.

I’d like to thank and recognise a few people this year for getting me to this point. To the one who broke me a little I thank you because I needed that lesson of living for myself and not constantly thinking and looking after you. Turns out after all these months we can come back to each other in a healthy way too and I’m proud of the journey we have both been on. I may not have every answer I thought I wanted from you but my life has moved on now and that’s okay. I’m glad we came back to each other on my terms.

To the one who gave a lot of lust. I appreciated the welcome in to your life but I’m sorry I saw too much of my past in your life. It was hard to see that you were at a stage where you felt you needed to give so much in multiple ways after rejection. Your life in my opinion deserved someone who could give you that same attraction and attention and I had gone past that stage. It was however not my place to give you that lesson and therefore I hope you can come out of the others side of that insecurity that I felt for myself and attract someone on a healthy level.

To the one that’s always by my side but needs to be by his own side. You’ve come a long way but still have a long way to go. But you know this and I’m so proud that you do recognise this and stick on the hardest journey of your life to power through to what will finally be that end celebration for yourself. I’ve just made a point of you can never care too much however in your case you don’t give yourself enough care and it’s a big factor in your journey that you need to keep active. I hope you recognise that you’ve over come so much. You will always have much more to over come but you’re not lazy physically or emotionally and you are toxic to yourself just like I am when it comes to relaxing, breathing and keep that weight lifted. Your time will come and we are here to keep supporting you through it. May you have a lot more healthier days than negative and thank you for accepting me in your life for the person I am. I’ve never needed to change with you and I never will you champion.

To my family who chip in when they feel the time is right and just let me go on my journey with no judgement. I know I’m difficult especially when I don’t vocalise everything I think or do behind the scenes. But I never feel pressured and I always feel safe in knowing that you’re always there and I have a big purpose on this earth with you around. Memories were made this year and I love you all for that.

To my little party raver. Will we ever grow up? We ask ourselves this question but I have the answer. This is us grown up because our life isn’t meant to be all planned out settling down. That is not us and I’m so glad we aren’t sheep who follow the same stereotype as a lot of people around us. No matter where we have both been we have kept each other in the loop and I am so proud of everything you have overcome this past couple of years. Your life has turned upside down but you have steadied yourself and haven’t stopped yourself from opportunities and I find that so inspiring. I love the memories we have and the memories we continue to make. You have put up with my journeys many a years and I’m so grateful you are so honest and accepting of me every time I go through anything. That to me is true love and friendship and I will always be grateful. I believe you are very aware you don’t ever need to change and I hope we continue to look at others around us and be confident that our journey together and personally is the one for us and we don’t ever need to change that for anyone. To our future party (life) may the love never be lost.

To my lovely bestie who I will have known 20 years next year. My god have we been through the motions but look at us right now. We are not exactly at peak positivity but look at us working hard to overcome that. There is no shame, regret or bad vibe between us because it is pure love no matter how much time passes. We may be at other ends of the country and not come to one an other when times are extra tough but we feel when we need to be there for each other and we blossom together day by day. As I sit here on my trip to see you in cafe Nero as I write on this napkin… (kidding inside joke) but genuinely as I sit here waiting for you to take me on another adventure in London today I just realise how grateful I am of this trip. How relaxed we have been. How serious we can be but have the best time together just making memories. The simple times are the ones I remember and cherish when I don’t see you and I think that’s pure love right there. I love you lots.

To my bestie across the pond in Holland. Our lives have spiralled the past couple of years and this year in particular. We managed to share a experience together from our bucket list and I’m so glad we had that time together. Unfortunately each of us seems to have hit a loop of no time which happens to the best of us. But I am not worried as I know when we finally get the chance to see each other again it will be like old times. With just a few hours of catching up like never before (a lot has happened in these months gone by). But that is what true love and soul mate energy is all about. You may have a long period of not seeing someone but the love is never lost and the friendship stays the same if not grows in the time apart. I know for a fact that without all the details you have gone through a whole journey lately and faced things that will have pushed you hard. But I hope you know I am always here and I am so proud to call you a friend, you are strong, you admit you need help and you tackle every challenge that you are faced with in this life and to me that is inspiring. You help me see the difficult side of life that we can and must take on and to me you are a hero. I love you lots and I hope we get to speak soon.

I can go on for pages and pages thanking everyone in my life. There are so many of you that have accepted me from the start of our friendships to this year when I have faced the toughest challenges in my life. You never moan when I come to you. You celebrate my little wins and you do what you can from where ever we both are to keep that love in my life. From work to friends of friends to people I’ve met in the most bazaar places. Even a text if we don’t see each other so much anymore means the world and I hope I can keep all of you in mind for a long time. I am a very lucky gal to have so many people. But then I think I have done this. I have created these relationships and therefore I am loved and should remember that. So thank you to you all who make even the littlest difference in my life. You are always appreciated and recognised and I will always return the love when needed and wanted.

Things really do take time to heal and overcome. You think it will never end but it does eventually and you can sit and review like this feeling proud of the person you have become. I wish this feeling for everyone going through something right now and in future. Let yourself go. If you live for you people will see the best version of you, that’s what life should be about.

I may not be fully ready to fall in love still but that’s not something you plan for. It comes naturally and you react however you react. For now I just want to make memories and smile when my head hits the pillow. Don’t forget to take breaks in life, I needed this time away from work to make memories and have fun for once. Now back to work so that I can afford my next adventure. This was more of an epiphany/ wholesome post that was indeed for myself and no-one else this time. I’ll go back to talking about topics that we can discuss and I can give my opinion on but for now big love.

Speak soon