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How do you manage to break me so badly every time. You make me fall the hardest. You break my heart the most. You allow me to lose control the quickest. It’s always about you.

We’ve been through this for a long time now and every time we battle and find some common ground we seem to end up back here. There’s a new level every time that I don’t believe is possible yet you can get me there every time. I was lost before, physically suffering to extremes with my panic attacks which I thought was the worst I could ever be. This time my spirit is broken that much that the panic attacks aren’t as frequent, the thoughts aren’t over powering half the time.. now I feel drained but feel out of body, out of mind, almost nothing. Am I even here? I feel myself questioning a lot. If I am here what am I looking at? Everyone around me enjoying life, having conversations with each other. People making plans, walking by, getting on with life. Do they see me standing here? Am I stood there or am I somewhere else just over looking life?

At least before there were some other factors but this time its all you. You can let me cry for hours. You can let me sit there and feel, think and do nothing for hours. What are you wanting me to suffer for this time?

You’ve led me to believe that hiding away is okay again. You’re making me invisible wether I want to feel it or not. Why can’t I make a decision on anything. Do I want a cup of tea? What do I want to watch? Can I go outside? Can I watch a different program other that modern family? Can I eat? Can I live life without questioning everything? The answer I can confirm right now is no to that last one. Every part of life is a battle, worry or question that I can’t deal with. I feel a million things, loud, busy and uncontrolled sensations at the same time as nothing, quiet and still all in one go. Why can’t you stop me doing that?

There are days I don’t talk to anyone but my mum for 15 mins throughout a day. I speak dead conversation about work to colleagues but nothing more or days where I speak to so many I get over whelmed. There is no in between and I have become comfortable telling people the honest truth but also just letting my phone sit and not responding to anyone. I don’t want any help or anyone around. But I want to be looked after and I want people there all at once. I want someone to hold me and tell me I’m okay. Let's spend the day together and have a good time because I’m allowed to. But you just make me sit there wasting time sleeping or feeling nothing and let my life pass by with nothing positive going on. Why?

I can go get help. I should get help and I will get help but I am not ready yet for some reason. It takes time I know that from the journey I achieved last time. But we can’t treat this one the same because it's different. That’s okay but scary all at once. You know what I need but you also won’t let me believe what I need or have it. Things can get better and I can change things but I haven’t yet and have no motivation to do so. Thank You for another lesson I guess…

We will go through this forever in life won’t we. It's just the way we are unfortunately. But you have to give me a little boost or something because I’m not going to fight you and feel nothing forever. What kind of life is it when you just exist but thats it.

So here’s to you. I hate you very much right now and its a struggle to love you. But thank you for allowing me to at least write it down and release it on this day. Is this my little boost?

Life is precious. Life is hard. Life feels worthless but it worse everything while we are here. So read this back as many times as you need and come back to me when you can with a better attitude for my life.

To ME, From ME…