Watch Yourself. Save Yourself.

This post has elements of speaking out about depression, panic attacks and darker thoughts that might not be nice for some to read. If you’re not in a good place or don’t want to read about these topics then this might not be the post for you. This is a message to myself and I’m not here to offend or give people the wrong read for their mental state here x

Hey you,

You’ve been watching life catch you off guard recently right? Cracking on though picking up every bit of mess along the way as always. Immersing yourself in everything else because that little part of you that you shut away is trying to tell you something. Did you need to watch yourself more? Who opened that door again letting the cold in and why are the lights so dark at the moment I wonder. No genuinely I do wonder.

You took a step back lately and I’m proud of you for that. But I know how intense it is to step back and see yourself this way unlike last time. Others could see it but you couldn’t and now it seems to be the other way round. It’s a proud moment for recognising yourself but a sad moment that no one warned you about right? I know you thrive off of stress in the most unhealthy way but life really has tested this for you hasn’t it and I’m sorry that I didn’t prepare you for that. But I just wanted you to stay in that bubble you seemed to be in for a few months where nothing else mattered but you. You seemed happy and I liked that. But now I know you’re not and it makes me sad. I’m really trying to save you, I recognise you’re struggling and I notice the moments of the cold creeping in and I am really trying to save you but I’m clutching at this point. I won’t lie to you.

People around you are selfish, childish and unappreciative of you going through this. Not everyone but the constant heavy baggage of some that they give to you to hold, which you don’t mind taking on because you’re a good person is a lot. You want to help. But do they want to be helped? Or do they want to stay this victim forever that they create for themselves. They are used to you being there all the time but what does that do to you? You feel bad because you can’t save them, what are you doing wrong and why can’t you change life for them? Why are you trying to save them? I see now. You want to help and save them because it creates peace around you. You’re tired of fighting for better surroundings, you’re tired of seeing the same problems others bring to you, you are exhausted of not being understood. You think to change others problems you are saving yourself but it’s not the way. Save yourself. You’ve done it before you can do it again.

The ‘stars in your eyes’ are back. I know that’s hard to deal with. You feel disappointed and like you’ve taken a step back. But you know that’s not the case. It was out of nowhere and I’m sorry you had to face that so suddenly with no warning. But your body is telling you something! Don’t hide from it otherwise the stars will get bigger and more frequent just as they have done before. Face them this time, listen to what your body is saying and slow down, breath. I know that cold turns in to darkness sometimes and the stars don’t help that. You’re not suffocating and you don’t need to look that darkness in the eye too long this time. It’s always going to be there and we know that but we know many important reasons why that darkness didn’t defeat us before and why it won’t again this time. Be stubborn enough to tell it no.

Whether you want them to be or not they are always going to be your person. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, like you’ve failed the last 8 months of work you’ve put in to stepping away. You did step away and you processed and you gained your love for yourself and life back. You still have that. But they are still the one you will want until the next person fills that gap. I’m sorry I can’t find you someone else but do what you have to do, I think they understand and you only need segments this time. Stay in control but don’t cut your nose off if its what you need at the time. What they give to you is hauntingly good but we take the good right now.

You can’t make someone understand what’s going on because I don’t think you want to. You never have wanted to let people in to this side of you because you don’t like it. It’s ugly to you and you’ve built up a reputation to try and mask this from people. When people first saw you with stars in your eyes it killed you inside, it still does today but you learned it was okay. People would react the same with the whole situation but you don’t want them too. I can’t change that over night because you do it to protect yourself from being vulnerable but we are still learning that balance aren’t we. I’m sorry I chose the wrong people to surround you with for times like this or people that hurt you and betrayed you enough to scare you in to thinking no one should surround you right now. You have your inner inner circle and you appreciate them so much because they don’t try to fix you or feed you with positive solutions. They listen and that is healthy for you because it is rare. But not everyone is going to leave or cause you to feel vulnerable. I’m sorry that the others in the past made you close yourself off this way. You hate to have certain people see you, you hate to have anyone touch you, you feel too exposed and they don’t get that. You don’t want to be smothered and you need time. But then wish others that have been with you before with this would recognise what’s going on and be there more. It’s a battle field out there but this isn’t new for you.

Im sorry I haven’t spoken to you much and I’ve let it get a little too close to the edge but I’m here now. Its gonna be a long journey this time because we don’t know what’s hurt you or what is hurting you. But we need to slow you down and get back to basics. You’re in there some where and the love is just a little blind. Those stars can go back to living in the distance and we can fix the lights again. We have people and we will speak out when we are ready. But we have a different reputation to hold up and that’s love for ourself. Time to save you and only you again.

Its me, speak soon x